January 31, 2003 | 7:44 PM

I was feeling marvelous all day�the audition and everything. As my boss said, I was glowing. And hadn�t felt so good in years.

And then I read something�something written by someone anonymously, but whose style and references I recognized right away, and suddenly I just died inside.

In my office (thankfully the door was closed) I totally lost it. In a way that I haven�t lost it in a long long time. I could not stop crying, and I haven�t really stopped crying since.

Was it all an illusion? Were the last four years of my life some kind of �Let�s Play Pretend� game I indulged in? I don�t know. I don�t know what to make of anything anymore except that something is gone that was there before, something I loved and counted on and now it�s nothing but a ghost, haunting me.

There are no heroes and villains. Things happen�they just do. They progress and evolve in whatever way they are supposed to. And it�s nobody�s fault. And I feel really that there are higher reasons behind things happening. I get all of that. I understand all of that. As much pain and sadness and heartbreak as I have, I really do get that.

And yet it doesn�t change anything, really. It�s almost worse. Not to be able to paint a Simon LeGree mustache on anyone and point fingers. Knowing it�s not my place to judge, and yet also knowing things are irrevocably changed and that there is nothing that will make them OK again ever. That what I considered a backbone of support has been crushed lifeless. And I am so fucking hurt over that. It�s unfair. It�s really and horribly unfair and I wish that things were different. That the past was different. That I could be different. But I can�t. There are ways I can bend and ways I can�t. Ways in which I can offer empathy and forgiveness and ways that I can�t. Something has been murdered in me and it�s not going to come back. And the grief I have over that is all enveloping and sickening and horrible. And all the study of Buddhism and tarot, and all the alms of forgiveness I can offer in my heart of hearts don�t change that fact.

I want to dig a grave in my psyche and throw away all the memories of the past four years�the good and the bad. The parties and the abortions. The long talks and the long moments left waiting by the phone. The endless assurances that weren�t so assured after all. The kind words and the angry ones. I have never in my whole life felt so grief stricken�not even when my father died, because that at least wasn�t a choice on anyone's part. That was something that was taken out of anyone�s hands. And as much as I know that other people are in pain as well, it doesn�t change anything. It�s all over and nothing has been all over for me in this way before. And it hurts so badly. But there�s nothing that can make it better or patch it up. No apology or do-overs. No words of explanation on my part. It�s just done and it�s horrible. And there�s the anger that something has been yanked from me without my consent, and I would do anything�swallow my pride, crack a few jokes, ask the right questions�I would do anything to make it all OK again, to have that love back again. But I can�t.

Right now I wish I could go back in time and have averted all of this. Not gotten drunk that one night on Nell�s couch. Not had a roommate meeting on that one day. Not been so fucking fertile. Not done so many things I did that colored and informed everything that�s happened in this horrible bloody glaze and lead up to this terrible conclusion.

Maybe some day in the future when I am middle aged and graying I�ll look back on this all with some fondness, a gladness that even though things ended, I�m happy I had them at one point.

But not now. Now all I have is images that won�t let me sleep. Now all I have is a pain that won�t let me rest. Now all I have is the loss and knowing that what I lost cannot be salvaged, and the amazing anger that it all happened the way it did. The anger that I have to think about abortions and promises and words of consolation that added up to nothing. The anger I have at myself for being so fucking stupid about things.

I have lost the two people in my life who meant everything to me. And it�s just the way it is. There�s no blame. Nobody�s a monster. Nobody did anything horrible to anyone else. I�m not a victim. But it�s all gone. It was years and years in the making and now like a volcano it�s erupted and the whole city is destroyed. There�s nothing but rubble and memories. There wasn�t even a good-bye. Just leaving your house one day and coming home and finding it obliterated.

And I hope, I really and honestly hope and am not saying this with any sarcasm or bad intent, that it turns out to be worth it for everyone involved. Things have a way of working out for the best usually�if not in any physical actuality, then metaphysically at least�and I hope that�s true here. I hope everyone involved in ten or fifteen or twenty years can say,

You know, that hurt but I�m really glad it happened because then blah blah�

I have to hope that. Because otherwise, what else is there to hope for when your whole god damned life falls down around you?

Well fuck it. I have an audition tomorrow. And I have a dinner party. And life goes on. And love flows in you and without you, right?