January 23, 2003 | 3:03 PM

Right now I am feeling so fucking good. Maybe it�s the two cups of coffee and the V-8 I just drank. Maybe it�s my cute new hair (I know I know�I will post pictures of it soon) or the fact that I think I vomited and cried out all of the pain and loss. Or maybe it�s the fact that I�ve been emailing my friends all morning. Or that I love my sister more than anything. Or that I�ve gotten a billion phone calls in the past two days from people who love me. Or the fact that Morrisey is playing on my win-amp right now. Or that my new jeans are even too big for me. Or that I have been dancing so much lately. Or that I�ve gotten amazing advice from people I trust.

Or that I feel like I actually know what is going on in my life and I can handle it and make good choices based on what I now know is best for me.

I�m OK. I�m really really OK. And the world is a big place. There�s a lot more to do and see than I even realized. I have my whole life to do whatever I want. I might stay here in Boston for a bit, or I might leave. I�ve been researching jobs overseas. I�ve been thinking about all kinds of things. It�s all moving so fast. And oddly, after the initial terribleness of things, having re-evaluated my own history has been liberating and positive. I was afraid of confronting because it would have meant that I wasted so much time and energy and emotion. I was so afraid of losing things that meant so much to me. But what meant so much to me wasn�t real. And now that I can decipher the truth from the delusion, I can honestly appreciate what IS real in my life�what is meaningful and relevant and what brings me joy. And that is so much better than chasing after my own illusions. I thought what I have and who I am wasn�t enough. I thought I had to have something that could never possibly be because it was made up fantasy and it was keeping me from who I actually am, holding me back and trapping me. And I spent years in that prison of delusion and I�ve finally been set free. I know I�m running on and on but it�s like this perfect reckoning hallelujah moment that I�ve never known.

Even when I got this new job and started school and moved and did the cleanse etc. at the back of my mind was still the fantasy even as I tried and tried to break free from it. I was still caught in its grip and now it is GONE. I can see it for what it is and I am at this moment indifferent to it. It�s like it never existed. And I am not bonded to it anymore.

I have a long way to go. I might wake up tomorrow and there will be more sadness and grief and anger to sort through. That�s OK. That�s better than OK. Bring it on. For the first time I truly realize how strong I am as a person and what I have to offer to the people who love and accept me for who I am. How much I�ve gone through and what I am capable of. I feel like I could run a million miles right now.