January 20, 2003 | 1:06 AM

Besides having read �Being and Nothingness� when I was fourteen, I�ve never been a big devotee to existentialist philosophy.

But amongst the many revelations I�ve contended with lately, a big one that hit me over the head today is one of Sartre�s fundamental hypotheses, which to paraphrase, is as follows:

You are the sum of your actions.

In other words, it�s not what you say that matters, but what you do, and how you behave.

And that in judging my relationships, what I need to pay attention to is another person�s actions as opposed to said person�s espousals of love and devotion.

Or, that I need to measure what people say as compared to what they do, and the yardstick of comparison is the behavior.

Obviously, everyone is a human being. Obviously, people get into situations which are murky and confusing. Obviously, there are many schemas where morality doesn�t play an ultimate role. Where the heart wins over the head. Where your feelings towards one person win out over your feelings towards another.

Obviously these things are all true.

I�ve been given an enormous gift today. Because I can aknowledge all of this and aknowledge that everyone needs to do what is best for them.

And included in that, I need to do what is best for me.

I do not need to be compassionate in every situation. I don�t need to understand. I do not need to be sympathetic to everyone all the time when they have behaved in a way that has hurt and damaged me. I have done all of this and more for years and years. I have bent over backwards to the point of almost breaking in half and have not received the same in reciprocation. It's possible to forgive and aknowledge another's motives and beliefs, and at the same time totally disassociate yourself from that person.

I refuse to bend anymore. That�s not what friendship is. Friendship is not grinning through the pain of being fucked in the ass repeatedly. I do not have to stand for or put up with something I find totally repugnant. I have whined and wailed about the bad treatment I�ve received, acting like a silly powerless victim, when all I really need to do is say,

This sucks. I don�t like being treated this way. I don�t want to be around people who treat me this way. Thus, I am ending the relationship with people who treat me this way. Because obviously, they aren�t going to stop treating me this way, as they are behaving according to their own character which is not going to change regardless of how much I whine about it.

What I need to do is formulate a code of behavior that I am willing to accept, behave according to that code, and disassociate myself from those who do not treat me accordingly. It�s really quite simple.

Oddly enough, Josh has been an enormous teacher to me today�just remembering certain things that he said to me. I DO need to cultivate within myself a higher degree of skepticism. Cynicism, for me, may not necessarily be a bad thing. It�s all about balance, and I have been blindly tripping through a field a daisies expecting everyone else to act as I would act in any given situation. I have been horribly suspicious in certain instances, but my paranoia has been utterly misplaced and I will never give myself away so easily again. I will wait. Years if necessary. I will feel people out and analyze their actions and sensibilities before I allow them into my heart. Instead of blindly allowing through the gate anyone who flatters or spoons me, I will be far more discerning. And I will not be made a fool of ever again.

My mother said something to me months ago which upset me so much I hung up the phone on her. It was a psychic prediction she made. And in response I said,

That�s crazy. You�re just being paranoid and I don�t appreciate you telling me something so negative about people I love.

Turns out of course, she was totally dead on. And if I�d had a brain in my head at the time, I would have heeded her warning and advice.

Guess I should listen to my mother the psychic more. She certainly had this pegged. And she had great advice for me today�the same adviuce she had for me months ago. Only this time, I�m going to follow it.

Logic. Discipline. Discernment. I will not be swayed by overwhelming emotion. I know what I deserve in love and in friendship. And when I make up my mind, I am wonderful at totally freezing out those people who are not conducive to my own betterment and self esteem.

This is the code I will live by from now on. It will certainly make things far easier.

My sister just said

Frankie says RELAXX

And that my friends, is the finest fucking piece of advice I've heard all day.