January 06, 2003 | 4:04 PM

I think it must be very hard to be a proffesional writer for a living. With every novel, people you know would assume they were characters or try to read things into what you wrote. Maybe they'd be right.

I don't know. I get sick of the disguises and the tiptoeing. And the assumptions too. Including my own. And yeah, that's it-- I'm just tired.

I'm sick of sitting in my office and amusing myself on this fucking website. I want a job that has nothing to do with being in front of a computer.

A couple years ago I checked my email once every other day. Now, I have nothing to do but check the damn thing and perform tasks like a trained monkey.

This is a great office job. The absolute greatest office job ever. But you know, for me, all office jobs suck. This just isn't what I want. But I'm in debt to my eyeballs so I can't just quit and take off. I can't just quit and go to school full time unless someone wants to play fairygodmother and erase my debt. It's my fault I'm in this position. And people are in far worse positions than I am through no fault of their own. I know how lucky I am. But God, I just wasn't made for this. Any of it. Tis whole lifestyle is fucking driving me insane. I get through it by performing party tricks and drinking alone. How fucking asinine and pathetic

I am so good at building towards things. I mean I am one of the most driven people I have ever met. I fucking pulled myself out of hell and now on the surface I have this nice little life. And I am so fucking bored and islated I could just throw a monitor through the window. I am sick of the niceties and the pointless good times. But I don't know how to get myself out of it. I don't know how to pick up stakes and just like, "Be A Singer"

I like that scene in Singin' in the Rain where Gene Kelly goes to New York and knocks on a bunch of agents' offices and dances for each one until somebody likes him and throws him directly onstage and then ta da.

I have no tolerance for any further beaurocracy or crap or yes, drama, or all the waste that has clogged up my life since I was 18 years old. I feel bored and completely and totally irrelevant to the litle culture I am on the periphery of.

Gotta Dance!