January 03, 2003 | 1:05 PM

I am blunt and stunted and can�t write for shit at the moment. It always happens like this when I can�t really say what I want to say. I said what I wanted to say in spades in my private paper diary and it basically amounted to numerous curse words poorly scripted and blurred by the tears sliding down my face and the occasional slosh of the Brandy Alexander I was drinking at the time.

What I want to do very badly is get together with my ex boyfriend and favorite musical partner and write some songs and scream my bloody fucking head off like Polly Styrene meets Billie Holiday. I think that would ease some of this pain.

Here�s a lyric I wrote a million years ago to one of our songs called 7 Blues. I think it�s rather appropriate to what I�m feeling right now.

Seven deadly sins I�ve committed each
I said seven deadly sins I have committed each
I�ve got a sin for every day of the week

I�ve had seven lovers and I�ve been true to them all
Seven lovers and I have been true to em all
Six boys hit the road and the last lover�s alcohol

Swear ta god. If I was able to pour my heart out like that every day onstage swingin� it with the ex, I think I would be a far happier healthier person. Instead, my current therapeutic/emotional outlets include diaryland (blah) and singing alone in my apartment. Somehow, it ain�t the same.