December 02, 2002 | 11:39 AM

Warning: this entry is about past life regression and abortion. If new agey topics cause your eyes to roll or if abortion makes you queasy, skip it.

I have nasty dribbly sniffly aching cold. Each cough is violent enough to topple over the leaning tower of piza. My nose is as backed up as the Hoover dam. I am feeling yuckier and yuckier with each passing moment.

Hooray!

I have started another master cleanse today for a variety of reasons, one of which is that cleansing helps heal upper respiratory viruses. The other reasons have to do with my state of mind.

Since I did the past life regression I have been having horrible nightmares�mostly about abortions or pregnancies gone wrong. I think maybe I should go get some therapy for this as I suspect my past experiences in this arena has produced a great deal more psychic trauma than I even realized. I�m glad this is all bubbling up to the surface now instead of lingering in a subconscious grave�infecting and informing my thoughts and behavior. I really need to deal with it.

I think the abortions, especially the last one really fucked me up in some pretty significant ways.

1) I don�t trust men and am inherently suspicious of them in ways I never was before.

2) I have an enormous amount of anger and resentment that doesn�t have an outlet. I think that issues surrounding this have made me angrier than anything else in my life. There is a lot that I just cannot reconcile. I think I�ve been trying to drink this rage away or ignore it. That entire situation created a wound which is not healing. I�m not sure how to clear it but I�m going to cleanse for the next couple weeks and do some more regression on my own and see what I can discover about myself.

Sometimes I wish I were the sort of person who stuff just happened to and I went on with my life, happy enough for my weekly paycheck and my nice material items and going to bars etc. I wish sometimes that my past didn�t haunt me and that each decision didn�t follow me around as the ghost of what might have been.

I absolutely do not regret making the decision to have an abortion. Especially with the karma from the Victorian lifetime, I am fairly certain that the exact same circumstances would have occurred all over again.

What I regret is that I ever got pregnant in the first place. There is nothing I can do about this now unfortunately. But that doesn�t make it any easier.

Perhaps what I needed to learn in both this lifetime and from the Victorian one is not to trust people so much. I don�t mean that in a cynical way�just that perhaps I�d developed a tendency towards idealizing lovers and forfeiting my own destiny. Perhaps I needed my rose colored glasses knocked from my forehead. Perhaps this isn�t a bad thing at all.

Whereas the Victorian woman was destroyed by the abandonment and sunk into alcoholism and never recovered (she lost her child too�I need to do more regression on this because I�m blocking something painful�I don�t know the circumstances of how that happened,) I flirted with destruction but came out of it, or rathr I am continuing to come out of it (the circumstances in this lifetime were much different�I wasn�t duped or victimized in that fashion.) And I can safely say that I will never ever love or trust in the same way ever again.

Which is most likely a good thing. I didn�t love in a positive way. I gave someone my entire soul and all my gifts and my life. And that is too much. I think my great destiny is to stand on my own and create real and lasting boundaries from which I can share my gifts but still hold onto them tightly.

My selflessness previously in this incarnation and in the last was paradoxically also quite selfish, if that makes sense.

Anyway, the cleanse (which I just started today) I think is allowing me to gain some more insight into all of this.