December 01, 2002 | 9:23 PM

And home again home again jiggedy jig.

I had such an amazing time in Rochester. I�m not going to write about it now though except to say it was just perfect.

And here I am in my apartment, which I cleaned prior to leaving. This was quite smart of me because coming back to a dirty apartment is the height of depressing.

I do love and appreciate my life in Boston. I guess my problem is this.

Some people see life as a list of facts and are quite content with being comfortable and just enjoying whatever happens to be around them. There�s nothing wrong with that.

I however see life as a huge epic story and myself as a main character. And I�m not content unmless I am challenged to the utmost of my ability. I�m not content unless millions of phenomenal things are happening all around me. I�m not happy unless I can really stare myself in the face and see I am 1) existing to the utmost of my potential and 2) making a positive difference in the world.

So my point in my last entry is that even though I am indeed having a swell time in many respects, I don�t feel I�m really living out my life�s purpose.

I feel the need to be front and center. And because I�ve internalized over the past several years that being a Fat Chick, I don�t really have that right/opportunity (even though that�s bullshit and nothing more than a societal construct I can easily wave away like so much cobweb) I have tried to make myself front and center in the context of relationships with other people. Even my creative endeavors have more or less required the security blanket of a romantic relationships (e.g. the band with my ex.) This is crap.

I am an excellent actress and a fucking good singer. And I am overweight. So what of it? What about Mama Cass and Kathy Bates and Ella Fitzgerald and Aretha Franklin and Poly Styrene? Instead of looking for validation from other people (and of course always the wrong people, too) I need to do what I always did before I turned 19, which is fucking perform, direct, and just be OUT THERE.

And so I have signed up for an acting class. And so I am joining a jazz band (with guitarist and drummer�negotiations have begun ladies and gents and I�ll let you know when the first gig is) and I am trying to find a voice teacher to get back into opera. And I am auditioning next term for one of Harvard�s choral groups. And then kiddies, I�m getting the fuck outta dodge.

Being front and center makes me feel happy, loved, and beautiful�even if it�s just at fucking karaoke. I think that�s my divine purpose in life. And sod the rest of it. It�s all dick.