December 19, 2002 | 1:46 PM

Last night I was woken up at 3AM by a very long and drunken message being left on my answering machine.

Who the fuck is that?,

I asked myself, not being able to place the voice.

And then I realized.

It was Her.

I don�t think I�ve ever mentioned Her in this diary�maybe in passing, but not extensively.

Her was one of my bestest friends ever and the two of us were involved sexually for awhile.

I really really loved Her. And Her basically abandoned me. Just stopped returning my phone calls and cut me out of her life. I remember the last call I made to her maybe eight months ago saying something like,

I love you so much and life is so short. The thought that someday I might die and look back and realize you weren�t as big a part of my life as you could have been makes me sad. Please call me back because I care for you deeply and you are incredibly important to me.

I never heard from Her. And so, I gave up. In that way you finally give up in your soul�you know? Not just telling yourself that you gave up (I do that ALL the time), but surrendering a relationship to the extent that it�s just gone from your life and you scarcely think about it

So anyway, Her leaves this long long long answering machine message the gist of which is,

I love you I love you I love you and need you and I�m here in Boston and I need to see you and hold you blah blah blah.

And the whole time she�s leaving this message, I�m sitting on my bed paralyzed with a kind of emotional terror, thinking,

Why the fuck does this always happen?

I have to decide whether I want to see Her again and open up that whole can of worms.

Oh fuck it. I probably will. Life�s too short to hide from love

(Jesus did I actually just say that?)