December 17, 2002 | 10:00 AM

I think I�m understanding why I got so damned upset this past weekend.

The Christmas in December Party at my ex-boyfriend�s and ex-roommate�s.

It was wonderful. I had such a lovely evening. I saw people I love that I haven�t seen in ages. I got to play and sing with John again which hasn�t happened in forever and which means the world to me. I felt like I was cradled in this warm soft glow of love I haven�t experienced for some time.

And then suddenly it was over. And I felt like I didn�t really have a place there when everyone was sleeping. Some of it I don�t want to go into. It�s not that anyone did anything wrong at all. Only that I was forced to confront a lot of the loneliness and loss that I�ve stoically (yeah me stoic�hah hah) dismissed for a long time.

There was a time in my life when I felt this sense of community. Of being loved and known and understood. And I had a solid network, a foundation of love and friendship that my life was built upon. And then it was gone. Or rather not gone, but relegated to the periphery of my life.

I gained a lot of things in the past couple of years�independence, the knowledge that I can exist on my own quite well thank you, some sense of purpose and responsibility. And I am thankful for that. But I didn�t realize really how grief stricken I am over what was sacrificed to gain that. And although I am glad to know that I can �make it on my own�, I don�t really know if I so much want to. I would rather have that sense of love and community.

And yet I am terrified to really acknowledge how much I love and need other people, and relationships. And that I am so sad about some things. Because acknowledging that puts me at the mercy of others and I am just terrified to admit that I care that much.

Jenn wrote me once that she doesn�t have people in her life because she needs them but because she wants them there. I can�t say that�s true for me. I�m scared shitless of how much I need people. How important they are to me. That the quality of my life has a lot to do with whether X,Y, or Z person is there. That when they are gone I can�t stand it. That I can love someone so much that it hurts me and I never ever stop. And that a great deal of my energy is put into creating a stop gap for those feelings so that they don�t overcome me and I turn into a big gooey needy mess. That I live in a kind of forced denial in order to get through the day. Does anyone else do this?

That I am devastated that I can�t be around Sean and Danni all the time, and other things I can�t say here. And that I miss miss miss the ways things were and I feel like I got cheated out of something�not by any one person, but by God or the universe or whatever.

I don�t know. The sense of self satisfaction at my own sovereignty and strength in pulling myself up by my own bootstraps is a poor consolation prize for having lost something divine. And now it�s probably too late to ever have it again.