December 07, 2002 | 3:38 PM

In my quest for self knowledge I have spent the day taking quizzes online. Boy did I learn a lot and am going to share it with you because I know you truly care.

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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AWESOME. This is definitely the only worthwhile quiz. Highly amusing.

On a somewhat but not particularly related note, I had this care bear book as a kid. The plot had to do with a couple kids who are afraid of this old lady who lives down the street. Everyone says she�s a witch. So the kids put a note on the door saying something to the affect of, �Move out of our neighborhood, you mean old witch.� The old lady gets very depressed and then a care bear visits the kids and beheads them. Just kidding. The care bear tells them not to be mean to old ladies and shit like that. Later on the kids become friends with the old lady and everyone is happy. Anyway, that book always made me fucking sob because I felt so bad for the old lady. A few months ago, I was explaining the book to my friend Jenn, and in the middle of explaining it, I started thinking about the old lady again and I began crying. Jenn laughed her ass off. Dude I am such a pussy it�s unreal.

What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?
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Girl next door, eh? That�s news to me. Although I guess technically I do live next door to somebody. (Her name is Tammy. She is a Harvard law student and cute as hell.)

What's YOUR sexual fetish?
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This is definitely true. I am all about role playing. This has iot�s roots in my childhood when I would fantasize about favorite literary characters getting it on. Unfortunately, I�ve never met a man who shared my passion for enacting pornographic versions of Shakespearean tragedies. Oh wait�I think the guy I lost my virginity to wanted to have a Dr. Who role playing session, but he was so dorky (my lover, not Dr. Who) I couldn�t have possibly participated without giggling.

What Element Are You?
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Oh blow me. Good at feeling and being in your emotions? Who wrote this? Some Free To Be You And Me cult leader? Go choke on your sensitive ponytail.

What kind of Goth would you be?
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I actually looked quite a lot like this is high school, minus the five foot hair. That�s also pretty much how I behaved as well. Oh wait, I don�t know if I ever actually stopped behaving that way. Oh well.

What's your sexual appeal?
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Sweet dude. Sweet.