November 18, 2002 | 9:01 AM

Something I have decided I really need to work on is my jealousy and possessiveness. Those two qualities have caused major damage in almost every significant relationship I have had in my entire life, and I want to nip them in the bud once and for all.

Like everyone, I have issues left over from my childhood�I won�t go into too much detail on this end, but for many reasons I grew up not ever really getting as much love and attention and acceptance as I needed or deserved. However, everybody has issues like that, and I am a firm believer that we don�t need to be controlled by the pain we suffered as kids. It�s my responsibility to get beyond that crap�I am after all not eight years old anymore.

Basically, I crave love and attention the way a small puppy might. And the love and attention I receive just isn�t ever enough to fill up the hole inside (I know, I know�big cliche.) No matter what�no matter how much adoration and love I receive, I never really feel loved. Maybe I don�t believe I�m worthy of it or deserve it? I don�t know. So the end result is that I demand more and more and more attention from people�squeezing them dry like a washcloth until there is nothing left and they retreat�which then of course I use as a basis to prove that they never loved me in the first place.

And I am monumentally horribly terribly green eyed jealous. It�s only gotten worse over the years because in several instances, my paranoia was proven justifiable�and so because my suspicions were proven correct on a couple of occasions, I have vehemently extolled their infallibility ever since.

When someone I love loves someone else, I think it must mean that they don�t love me�as though you can only love one person at a time. And I treat the person that he loves poorly because I see that person as a threat. And that�s crap. I more than anyone know it is entirely possible to love many different people in many different ways. My level of insecurity borders on unbridled neuroticism.

It has also caused me to miss out on good friendships with people I spent time being suspicious of and defending myself against. And that makes me terribly sad.

I am not discounting at all that some serious wrongs have been done me. But I have to let go of that and forgive. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone (including me) behaves unwittingly in ways that hurt others. Yet we move on from there and learn to go on with our lives, focusing on all the good things. It all really just boils down to love in the end. Love is what matters. Love is what�s important.

The more secure I am in myself�the more I do good and positive things for myself, the more that hole inside reeceeds. All the love and attention form other people is not going to make that hole go away. What makes it go away is becoming a slf actualized human being�making strong and positive decisions and doing things I love to do. The love and attention from friends and lovers is something else entirely. It just is. It is not a means to an end. It is not a barrier against loneliness or my own insecurity. It simply exists timelessly and uniquely as a separate entity.

I have heard time and again from other people that I am someone they respect and admire. I need to start believing that for myself. I need to stop retreating into the sad little girl who didn�t get enough love and attention. Only then will I ever be able to truly open up and let love in. Nd only then will I truly be able to appreciate the amazing gifts of friendship and love and sex that I have in my life.

As Tara said, it really is all about confidence.