November 15, 2002 | 12:45 PM

Yeah, �Ann� hurt my feelings a little. But I�ve heard it all before and I�ll hear it again. I pretty much expected when I posted photos to receive at least one response like that.

The reason I posted photos isn�t �cause I think I�m some hott ticket�it was more like, �hey, this is me. This is what I look like��my way of trying to be as brutally honest as possible. Even though I've made some adjustments and tried to give myself "rules" to follow, this diary is and always has been my expression of exactly who I am, and that includes what I look like.

I�m just disheartened that someone-- a woman-- no less felt the need to comment on my weight-- or on anyone's weight for that matter. I find it endlessly sad that we�ve all internalized this image of ourselves, that in order to be beautiful we have to be thin. How did this happen? And why is it that people feel it�s completely OK to put someone down based on whether she conforms to an idealized image of womanhood? I can�t tell you how many times people have tried to shut me up by telling me I�m fat. And it used to work. It used to hurt and sting. I used to think that being heavy made me less of a woman and less of a human being and I stayed quiet and tried not to be noticed. I have put up with so much shit because of my weight and I am fucking done putting up with it. And I am not going to be quiet. I will not fucking shut up. Go ahead and tell me I'm fat or that I'm ugly or whatever-- I will not hang my head in shame and I will not be intimidated anymore.

Yeah, I am fat. And I�m learning to like myself. And honestly, I am starting to think I am beautiful, and if you don�t I don�t give a shit�that�s your loss. Some of the most beautiful people I know are heavy. I am finally learning to see past all the hype and realize that size doesn�t matter. Some skinny women are beautiful and some fat women are too. What�s important is being true to who you are and honoring that.

I feel really sorry for �Ann� because if she was so perturbed by my looks that she actually felt the need to write me a guestbook message about it, then I am betting she has some serious issues regarding weight and appearance. I am willing to stake my life on the following hypothesis:

Ann is one of those women who weighs herself several times a week. She eats fat free cheese and counts every calorie. The highlight of her day is being able to fit into the size four jeans she tried on at The Gap. She has an entire wall covered with magazine cut outs of models whom she compares herself to incessantly. She doesn�t leave the house without makeup. When she walks down the street, she stares at other women and thinks to herself �I am thinner than that girl. And that one. Oh that girl�s thinner than me. I better do more sit ups tonight.�

Ann is one of those females who is setting back feminism thirty years by subscribing to the belief system that we are defined by how much we do (or don�t) resemble the cultural ideal. I feel sorry for her, and I�m irritated that my diary is read by someone who is that stupid. I am embarrassed that such people would be attracted to this website, because I consider that type of woman my arch nemesis.

Oh and also I am willing to take responsibility for everything I post here and acknowledge that people might dislike it and want to comment negatively. Go right ahead. But what I fucking abhor is people who write an unkind guestbook message and don�t even include their own email/website address. That is so fucking cowardly it makes me ill. I hang myself out to dry every day here�you all know who I am and how to contact me. I stand by what I say, can you? Grow some fucking balls for chrissakes. I am beyond disgusted.