October 21, 2002 | 11:46 AM

When I started this diary, my intent was to be as brutally honest as I possibly could be. I have been ruthlessly, zealously committed to doing so. And it has been a huge growth experience for me.

I decided that it was more important for me to be honest with myself and with the world, than not hurt other people who I might discuss here.

But now I realize the sacrifice is just too great. Brutal honesty is not more important than friendship. Brutal honesty is not more important than respecting other people�s right to privacy.

I have hurt two people I love very deeply simply by writing down in here what I was thinking at the time. And I feel so terrible about that that I literally am sick to my stomach right now.

I think that the decision I made about brutal honesty was the wrong decision. And that this is probably the wrong forum in which to be brutally honest. It would be different if this diary were anonymous and wasn�t read by anyone I know�that�s the way things started out. But now it is read by so many people I know in real life. And I have to take that into account and be sensitive about it. Which I have not been. I have been thoughtless, and without meaning to, horribly cruel. And for that I will feel forever terrible. I have never felt more terrible in my entire life than I feel right at this moment. I cannot believe that I have inflicted so much damage on people whom I care for so deeply, and the knowledge that I have done so is like a big knife just stabbing me in the gut over and over again.

John should write his own version of the saga and cast me as the bad girlfriend, which by the way I was. I tried to be really honest when I wrote the saga but maybe I wasn't honest enough about how fucking hard it is to be involved with me because I am such a neurotic self involved person. John's version of the saga would be just as valid�probably more so, than mine, and you would all probably hate my guts if you read it. John is a wonderful and kind person and he has faults just like everyone does. Just like I do. Except mine are worse because I am a fucking selfish and awful human being who doesn�t think about the feelings of others. When I�m drunk I�m a nightmare and I am so self righteous and sanctimonious and think I am the cutest little trick in town. With all the lip service I have paid to being a kind person, John is absolutely dead on right when he said that I don�t listen to people. I am fucking selfish. And hurtful. And I really deserve to be beaten to a bloody pulp for being such a complete and total asshole.

So basically what I am doing here is just apologizing for having been the cause of so much pain. And saying that I think this exploration of brutal honesty has come to an end. It simply isn�t worth losing friends over. I may have lost two people who mean the entire world to me because of the content of this diary.

I�m not going to say that I�ll never write in here again. But one promise I am going to make to myself and everyone else is that from now on I will not mention or discuss anyone that I know in real life on this website. That I am no longer going to talk about anything associated with my personal life on this site. I don�t mind at all people talking about me here�in fact, I really like and welcome it and have learned so much about myself from the insights other people have given me, even hurtful or upsetting things people have written about me have been so valuable to me and I truly appreciate it.

But not everyone is like me. And although in theory it shouldn�t matter, in real life it does. It�s just more important to me than I thought it was to not hurt people I care about. It�s more important than this fucking diary. It�s more important even than writing is. I don�t know if that�s the right thing, but it�s the truth.

And thus I am going to continue being brutally honest in private, in a diary that no one will read. But not here.

Again, I want to publicly flog myself for having been such a horrible human being and not even realizing it.

G�night.