October 21, 2002 | 9:00 PM

A friend of mine told me about a book she read�a book about the Wizard of Oz from the point of view of the Wicked Witch of The West, telling her side of the story.

I guess all or most of the events are the same, but after reading the book, you come a way with a totally different impression of those characters. I guess Dorothy is a total bitch. And of course, obviously you root for the Witch.

All of us can be heroes and all of us can be villains. What is important is trying to be the best people we can be, and maintain our own integrity.

I never realized what a villain I was being. I just didn�t see it. And now I do. It's a scary thing to see the face of a horrible monster in your mirror. But a positive thing as well.

I am removing the link to the saga and at some point will put it in a password protected diary. I want it to still exist, but not be very accessible. I don�t want something I�ve written to be a tool wielding pain towards someone else. And I never realized (though I should have�I should have realized it) that is exactly what I have been doing since I started writing here.

That�s a long time and a whole lot of pain.

If a magical genie offered me one wish right now, it would be that I could take back all the harm I have caused. Of course I can�t do that. I don�t know whether amends can be made. I truly hope they can. But I have certainly made apologies in the past, have been forgiven, and have fucked up yet again anyway. This time though, I am learning my lesson. The one positive thing this situation has taught me is that I must learn to think about how my behavior might affect others. That I am not just responsible to myself, but to people I care about and I have a responsibility to their trust in me. That is far more important than my own flight of fancy being �honest in the moment.�

The moment is never really honest anyway. The moment is not the whole picture of things. Not at all. It is fine to be honest with yourself in the moment, to write down in your own paper journal how you are feeling. But I have discovered how wrong it is to say such things publicly. I wish to God I could take it all back. I am appalled and astounded at my own lack of judgement. And I sincerely hope that anyone who reads this is as well. I really really hope that everyone understands exactly how immoral and unfair some of the things I have written here are.

I said once that I simply don�t see people as fodder for my intellectual meat grinder, but if that�s the truth, why in God�s name would I have been so callous, so hurtful, so neglectful of the feelings of someone whom I love and care for so deeply? I have really thought about this and there was no intent of malice on my part. I simply was not thinking about it. I didn't set out on purpose to hurt someone. I set out to make a point. But the selfish thoughtlessness with which I have comported myself truly makes me sick.

The way I have behaved is abusive. And cruel. And there is no excuse for it. And for the rest of my life I will have to live with the knowledge that I did something absolutely terrible. And I am sure karma will give me my just desserts.

It may be the most terrible thing I have ever done to someone else.

I have said everything I need to say about it here.