October 10, 2002 | 11:55 AM

Feeling a great deal more myself today. Had a goodnight sleep. Am back on the cleanse for the next couple days. And overall my spirits have lifted. Maudlin romantic side of personality has been bullied into submission by philosophical ambitious aspect of personality. All hail the enlightenment!

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have blonde hair. I don�t know if this makes sense but I think I would feel really exposed as a blonde. And really fat. I don�t think I would look good as a blonde at all at my current size. But there�s a part of me that sort of thinks it would be a blast when I get down to goal weight to dye my hair a rich honey blonde color�because that would be a really extreme change. And I sort of like the idea of running into people you haven�t seen in awhile and having them not be able to tell who you are. I like clean slates. I like constant reinventions.

I think it would be fun to get down to say 130 lbs., have short blonde hair and blue contacts and just walk around pretending to be someone else. Not that I don�t like myself the way I am�I actually like myself more and more as time goes on. But to see if looking so different might bring out different aspects of myself.

Anyway... I really really miss Buddy L.. Not a day has gone by recently where I haven�t at least communicated with that boy via email or dland notes if I haven�t actually seen him. And now he is away in Thailand having a fabulous adventure with the love of his life. Good for him. But you�d think he�d at least update his fucking diary for his selfish friends back home while he�s gone.

Come back little sheba. Come back to us!