September 30, 2002 | 9:01 AM

There are many questions that have puzzled humankind throughout the ages.

But the greatest one might be,

Why the fuck does Molly Ringwald choose Blaine over fucking Ducky?

WHY?????

I made the huge mistake of renting Pretty in Pink from Netflix, as I needed a good 80�s mindless teen romance fix, and I was just appalled. APPALLED, I tell you.

Ducky is darling. He likes Echo and the Bunnymen and other decent new wave/post punk shiite. He wears awesome plaid pants and rockabilly shoes. He is sweet as punch. He adores Molly Ringwald (God knows why). He is devoted to her. He�s funny and smart and he has good decorating sense (check out his crash pad. So fucking cool.) He beats on James Spader when James calls Molly is a �zero� (and even though Mr Spader is a Breck Girl hair sporting rich bastard in cheesy Miami Vice knock off shoulder padded ken doll threads, he is indeed, right about Madamoiselle Rinwald. God she�s such a priss!)

For criminy sakes Ducky even cheekily serenades our Molly with Try a Little Tenderness.

And she chooses Blaine?????? Blaine played by bug eyed Mongoloid Andrew McCarthy? Blaine who can�t even stand up to James fucking Spader? Blaine who asks her to the prom and then backs out because he�s afraid the cool kids won�t like him anymore?

And his name is Blaine. We are supposed to root for a guy named Blaine. What is this world coming to.

Molly dumps poor fucking Ducky at the prom. AT THE PROM. FOR THE GUY WHO STOOD HER UP. Does this make any sense?

That�s why ultimately 80�s teen movies, as much as I love them, just plain suck. Because anyone in her right mind would die of joy to be treated the way somebody like Ducky treats women. Or Lloyd Dobler. Or that guy in Some Kind of Wonderful played by Eric Stoltz. These guys have a hard time getting girls? COME THE FUCK ON. They are adorable and thoughtful and funny and smart and they always listen to like, The Clash and they aren�t nice in a lame way�they�re just really and truly genuinely nice. And you know they don�t cheat on their girlfriends or become alcoholics or Jesus Freaks or anything like that.

What�s the fucking problem?

Oh yeah�those guys always fall for girls who look like game show hostesses.

Ay, there�s the rub.

(Day 13 of the big Cleanse. All Good.)

I am Allison! Which Brat Packer Are You?

time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006

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