September 30, 2002 | 3:43 PM

OK so I�m thinking about sex.

I�m remembering this one time when I lived in Somerville before John moved in I watched this couple have sex on the porch opposite my bedroom window. She was doing a handstand and he was firing into her fast and furious like a machine gun. She had long thick straight hair that fell to the ground like honey and a beautiful ample body�a nice, meaty ass and shapely legs. And he was cut. Really cut and slim and well muscled.

It was hot. But I kept thinking, Jesus, I am envious of that woman�s arm strength. How in God�s name can she be holding herself up for that long and enjoying dick at the same time?

Anyway...

What I want, what I have in mind is a tad less gymnastic.

God I want to get laid. Or rather, not laid. I want to be made love to romantically, passionately, tenderly, animalistically. I want to be seduced and plied. Not because I�m not willing, but just because it�s so much fun to play that game. So much fun to be teased and cajoled and rubbed and whispered into saying yes. God I love seduction so much. My problem is that I�m so aggressive and �bring it on anytime anywhere� that once men figure that out they just don�t even bother with the fancy stuff. It�s disheartening and slightly depressing.

Anyway, I want to drink wine and slow dance and I want to be kissed on my ears and neck. I want you to brush my hair. And I want you to roll down my stockings very slowly and kiss the backs of my knees up up up to the insides of my thighs . I want you to stroke my hips and my belly and undress me very very slowly and I want to be gone down on. And then I want to stop and talk and snuggle before we keep going. I want to draw it all out so that it lasts all night and then I want to sleep soundly next to you.

And when you leave in the morning, you don�t have to call the next day or the day after that or even the day after. Because I like being alone and I have my own life. But when you do call, you�ll ask me to hang out with you and watch Simpsons episodes all day and order take out. And then we�ll have some more great sex. And then I�ll leave your place and call you next week.

That�s what I want. I want a really great wonderful passionate friend who I care deeply about�whom I love, and can sleep with without having to be involved in any day to day bullshit.

Is this possible?

I have to believe it is. That you can do that without people getting wounded or stuck.

Sigh.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.