September 21, 2002 | 11:43 AM

I�m at work right now�one off the few times a year I have to work over the weekend. It�s flex time; I get to take two days off next week so it�s not that bad.

I spent some time with Jenn yesterday night. We watched Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Her, which I enjoyed a great deal.

I am still fasting. Fasting and shitting. That is my life right now. How gross. But good. I feel like I�m just getting rid of so much garbage. There�s actually a series of cleanses you can do�the colon cleanse (which I�m on right now), the parasite cleanse, the kidney cleanse, and the liver cleanse. I think I might do all of them. I�m already feeling much better (although some of this isn�t very pleasant but it�s worth it).

Being on this cleanse has really shifted my perspective on food. I think it�s been a long time in coming and has happened in phases, but suddenly I feel this huge shift. I�ve been a Diet Coke addict forever and now I look at it and think about all the chemicals in it and I just want to throw up. I think about junk food and what it does to my insides and I don�t want it. Which isn�t to say that I wouldn�t love a really amazing homemade gourmet dessert with real chocolate and berries and that kind of thing every once in awhile, but no crap�no fast food or chips or processed blech.

And I also just stopped really caring about my weight. Why? Because I don�t want a boyfriend. I know that�s sick, but my whole life I�ve felt horrible about the way I look because I thought I was unattractive and thus unlovable, and now I don�t care, because I don�t want to be loved in that way, or rather my whole concept of what being loved in that way or what it could do for me has shifted. I don�t need validation romantically, whereas in the past so much of my self esteem depended on it, and that�s why I was in such a funk the two years before John and I broke up. I was looking at him to validate my loveableness and of course that doesn�t work.

But ironically enough now that I just don�t care anymore, I am losing weight hand over fist. I�m thinking about my health and how I feel and what would feel good to put into my body and the byproduct of that is losing weight. . After years and years of bingeing and purging and dieting and blowing off the diets and just getting fatter and fatter and more unhealthy, now I�ve realized how simple it is. It�s so weird. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. All of the issues I had with food and weight and love and appearance are just evaporating away. Like it was so simple and all I had to do was stand on my own two feet and realize (warning�new age crap coming) my own power and sense of self.

I know this is trite sounding. I can�t put it into better words. I wish it was as interesting to read as it is for me to feel.

But I am not giving up cigarettes, wine, or the occasional bourbon. That would just be down right ascetic

My other class starts on Monday-- History of Film: The First Fifty Years. I am so excited.