September 20, 2002 | 11:18 AM

I have a crush on one of the students in our program.

And it�s ridiculous. He�s so not my type.

I�ll call him Dr. Renard. He is a cardiac surgeon but he looks like he merely plays a cardiac surgeon on TV. He has wavy silver hair and tanned skin and dazzling white teeth and he�s cut. He wears designer suits and carries a designer briefcase and I bet you he plays gulf and has sex with the attractive nurses. I also bet that he has a huge waspy house filled with Danish American furniture and a liquor cabinet stocked up to last a nuclear winter. He has the Super Hot Old Guy thing going on�think Paul Newman cross pollinated with a game show host.

Le sigh�Dr. Renard.

He comes in this morning, his pearly teeth glaring like miniature flash bulbs. He winks and puts his hand on my arm. He says,

Why Anna, it is so nice to see you again. Tell me, did you and your family have fun at the Cape? And what a lovely dress you�re wearing.

And I of course get all gushy and blushy and bat my eyes at him and toss my hair, as though I�m playing the secretary in a Cary Grant film.

Gee thanks Dr. Renard. I had a swell time at the Cape. Just peaches!

I usually crush on one of two types (and yes I am going to be offensively generic here, but for the purposes of this entry, just deal with it. I apologize in advance to the men who are reading this and I am not talking about anyone specific at all�I�m just talking about the sorts of boys that hgave made me go all creamy since the age of thirteen.)

1) Sensitive Indie Rock Artist Boy�usually has some kind of bachelor�s degree in art, film, or creative writing. Smart. Wears cool sneakers and thrift store tee-shirts. Likes obscure bands, books, film. Ironic but sensitive. Often directionless.

2) Aggressive Ingenious Bukowski Boy/Man�Copious drinker, slightly crazy, usually a writer. Brutally honest. Sexually promiscuous. Gets into fights. Provokes people.

(Note�these two types often coincide within the same person)

But Dr. Renard�I�m going to have to create an entirely new category for him.

Good thing he�s just wearing a suit. Because if he were dressed in a doctor�s outfit, I don�t know if I�d be able to stand it.

(I�m on day 3 of the fast. So far so good... Feeling a tad giddy. In case you couldn�t tell.)