September 09, 2002 | 12:48 PM

Sometimes I can feel it so fiercely it�s like being knocked over by a tidal wave. Where just a few minutes before I was standing on dry earth and I knew which way was up and which way was down, suddenly I�m immersed and directions are meaningless. And I can�t breathe. And it�s all I can do to not be dragged under under under under into the watery darkness.

And it�s scary when it happens. Especially when I�ve gotten used to being on dry land. Because I have to get my bearings and no matter how many times it�s happened, it always still feels new.. It�s almost easier when you�re constantly trying to swim your way out of it. The surprise of it is the kicker.

I can lie to myself and say,

Well I�m a better swimmer now.

Or

I�ve gotten good at spotting bad weather warning signs so I�ll make sure I avoid getting in its way.

And both of those things are true. But it doesn�t really make a difference. And there isn�t a life raft you can build that won�t bust apart at the mercy of such waters. You just have to hold your breath, wear a life preserver and hope to fuck you can make it through until you wash up on the beach again.

I wish I could see five years into the future. I just want to know that eventually I will not be haunted and submerged off guard like this or by this�this wave of what? Regret? Loss? Love submerged beneath a concrete floor of denial, pushing its way through and overtaking all sense and reason?

It happens less and less now.

And I don�t know if that is good or bad.