September 08, 2002 | 9:17 PM

I feel like a jerk because I am missing Debbie and Josh's party tonight and I really want to go but I can't because of stupid Microsoft Access and my hangover.

And of course I am taking a break and procrastinating a tad again.

I had the best time yesterday with Tara and Debbie. Entertaining is my new favorite hobby. I really like throwing intimate dinner parties and cooking everyone a big meal. It brings joy to my heart. I love having my own place. I stopped feeling comfortable having people over at my last place so I hardly ever did.

This week is going to be crazy busy because Eric is coming to visit and I have to get a gazillion things done before he gets here.

I ordered my books today for school and I am so excited I could puke. Or wait--maybe that has more to do with amount of Chianti I drank yesterday.

But yeah, school.

God I love school. Being in class makes me so fucking happy. I wish I didn't have to work and I could just do school all the time.

Poor fucking me. I hate it when I start bitching like that, which happens once every day at least. You know,

I wish I didn't have to have a job at an office and I could just do whatever I want all day and I wish I had more money and I have a fat ass and I wanna have sex but there's nobody to sleep with blah blah blah I'm a spoiled whiner

Because I have a great fucking life. I am a lucky som'vabitch and the world is treating me so well.

I have amazing amazing friends.

I have a great place to live.

I have a good job.

I have a great second job.

I have an amazing family.

I am (reasonably) healthy-- or rather am not suffering from any life threatening debilitating diseases

For someone with as fat an ass as I have, I am pretty cute.

I am not dumb.

I get to go to college for free.

I get to do 90% of the things I enjoy doing on a regular basis (in fact the only things I don't get to do on regular basis are travel, eat magic mushrooms, and fuck. That's it. All of my other bases are covered.)

The list goes on and on really. So I am consistently remnding myself every damn day that I really need to take full advantage of everything and not be an ungrateful twerp.

And I am also trying to do more to help. I'm giving money to the ACLU and The Red Cross now, and I really need to do some vollunteering again. I'm feeling really really bad about not doing it. Even just vollunteering a couple hours a week might do someone else some good. God reading that over I sound so spoileda and ridiculous, like I'm patting myself on the back for being a dogooder. But I really really do want to (gulp) make the world a better palce in some way. Seriously.

And I am trying to show my friends and family how much I love and appreciate them. Because I know in the past I haven't as much as I should. And I am so lucky to have wonderful people in my life and I want to nourish those connections.

It feels good to work really hard on these things.

But you know what doesn't feel good?

DEALING WITH FUCKING MICROSOFT ACCESS SHIT EATING MUNCHICHI REAMING PROGRAM DATABASE THAT SUX HARDER THAN A HOOVER.

Fuck you, Bill Gates.

It didn't takre me that long to get back to bitching. Oh well.

Oh one last thing-- fall in love with the messiah.