September 04, 2002 | 9:39 AM

I�m in a really weird mood right now.

Somebody I�ve been friends with for awhile but who has behaved like a total asshole recently keeps calling me and leaving messages on my machine and sending me emails about how much he misses me and wants to talk to me blah blah blah. And I do care about this person. We have quite a history. But I feel like I can�t be around him without getting dragged into some wine sodden drama.

I don�t feel like getting jerked around anymore, and I have no evidence that this person will behave any differently than he has in the past. It�s hard when you care about someone a lot but know you can�t have a functional friendship with that person.

I can already predict what would happen if I deigned to see him now, because it�s what has always happened. He�ll be sweet and lovely and fun and solicitous. Over a period of days I�ll warm up to him. Then he�ll drop a bomb on me telling me that he adores me and can�t live without me. I�ll conveniently forget that he�s crazy and tell him I�m going to consider his sentiments at which point he�ll freak out, get violently drunk and cry about how he can�t have a normal relationship with me. He�ll disavow his past sentiments. I�ll get irritated with him and then he�ll start dating some girl at which point he won�t call until he breaks up with that person.

I�ve played this sham over and over again and it�s so fucking predictable and boring but somehow I get sucked into it.

It�s too bad because we have a lot of fun and we have great conversations. Sometimes when we get together at say, 6:00 at night, we�ll spend the next twelve hours hanging out and just talking and never run out of things to say.

But then it always turns out shitty and lame in the end.

This is of course complicated by the fact that this person is an alcoholic, I think.

Yech. I need to find more people to spend time with whom I feel intellectually stimulated by and have a real camaraderie with who don�t have severe emotional blockages or drinking problems. The only way to do this, I guess is to continue to make (god I can�t believe I�m using this term) �healthy lifestyle choices�.

Like attracts like and the fact that I feel such a deep affinity with people who are sort of fucked in the head basically is telling me that I am sort of fucked in the head too.

Oh well.

I will not call him.

I will abstain.