September 04, 2002 | 1:11 PM

Second entry du jour.

Buddly L. and I are inspiring each other�s sex themed entries I think.

I wish I felt more safe and comfortable exploring my own sexuality. The sexual situations I have been in have always seemed chaotic and frought with peril. There has for the most part been a lack of stability and just overall craziness. And I think that translated out metaphorically into the pregnancies and abortions. There was always a sense of lost potential and misunderstandings and hunger�in all of the sex I�ve had, really.

I�ve had wonderful phenomenal sex, don�t get me wrong. But there was always something fleeting about it. Intimacy issues and all that. Self esteem issues. Guilt. Loss. Ambivalence. Horrible longing and starving almost for attention. All kinds of things tied up with sex that really shouldn�t have been. Panic and worry and self-flagellation and need. Like a fucking Henry Miller novel and I don�t even like Henry Miller.

On the one I hand I think I have and always have had a really healthy attitude about sex. I orgasm easily. I�m in touch with my desires. I like trying new things. I�m not afraid of telling someone what I like and want. I don�t feel any guilt about enjoying kissing women or being slammed around or roll playing or any of the other kinky type shit I enjoy.

I�m good at dealing with sex in a vacuum. But I�ve never felt comfortable enough with my self or the people I�ve been with to feel really healthy about it in the context of the rest of my life. Honestly, I never really felt wanted. And when I did feel wanted I always felt like that desire or want could be taken away from me at any moment. And I guess what I�m really saying is that�s how I feel about romantic love�that it can�t be trusted or counted on. That it�s fleeting. Or that I�m not worthy of that kind of love. Or something. And sex is all enmeshed in that.

And this has been with everyone I�ve ever been with, and the more intense my feelings are towards my partner, the more I feel that way. So it says a lot about me I think as much or more than it does my partners.

I�m just no good at that kind of shit. Really I am not.

And it�s too bad because I would love to be able to just really enjoy my sex life. I would love to have it be a nice normal part of my life and not so incredibly fucked up and weird to the point that I feel I have to choose no sex life in order to be sane.

If my sex life were a movie, it would be directed by David Lynch.

If my ex life were a song, it would be originally by Dusty Springfield but covered by Gary Numan.

If my sex life were a fruit it would be those poisonous berries your mom tells you not to eat but you do anyway and they taste good but you wind up in the hospital puking your guts out.

Man oh man I wish things were a tad less complicated.

Ah well.

As always right now I would really like to fuck.