August 31, 2002 | 12:59 AM

Home again home again, jiggedy jig.

Have you read This?

I read it while I was away on vacation. And I bet you that you�d recognize either yourself or someone you know in these pages. It got me thinking. Got me thinking hard and clean and long about who I am. Got shivers to run up and down my spine in recognition. Made me scared and clear about everything. Made me take a long look at my relationships. Patterns became apparent to me that weren't previously. A book hasn�t affected me like that in awhile.

Right now as I write this my 19 year old sister is in the other room watching Donnie Darko

I had the loveliest vacation�I really did. I swam with seals and ate a lot of ice cream and read and heard a band play Let Me Call You Sweetheart in a town square like it was 1925.

And I felt sand between my toes and I battled ocean waves and defied the undertow I was warned so incessantly about and wrote in my paper journal and made dinner for my family and my brother made me laugh like hell every fifteen minutes or so.

And I had strange and dreams about starfish and bare feet and kissing and construction paper valentines.

I wish it would last forever.

And of course, me being me, it wasn't all punch and cookies.

There were so many children everywhere in Chatham- the town where we stayed. And I know I shouldn't even fucking bring this up anympre. But I wanna say that it hurt. It really really hurt to see all those babies giggling and crying and their whole lives ahead of them. It hurt. And it was hard not to cry and feel like a fucking jackass, to feel broken and horrible and guilty as I stared longingly at those cherub cheeked little buggers just wanting so much so much to have one in my arms and wondering what the hell I gave up. That was hard. It hurts. It really hurts. It�s always going to hurt. There isn�t a medication to take for that kind of guilt. You just ride it out and hope you made the best decision. That�s all you can do. It really is. And maybe that's not whaty I'm meanty for in this go 'round. It would have beem a total fucking disaster on all levels. But knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Anyway though, enough of that. Otherwise I feel grand. My life is comfortable and warm and just what I want. I�ll say more later. I�m glad for where I am.

I�m glad I can look out the window and see stars and lights from other windows beaming into mine, shadows upon shadows churning through the last dance of summer.