July 07, 2002 | 8:27 PM

And now I just feel empty and still and cramping and defeated.

And tomorrow is the most important workday of the year so I have to be here.

I am deadened and lonely. John was wonderful this weekend. He really and truly was. He did my laundry and watched movies with me and gave me lots of hugs and was sweet as punch. But he can�t make this stop hurting so much.

What is there to do in the face of so much guilt and loss? Get back on the saddle, I guess. Figure out what classes I want to take in the fall. Get ready to move. Exercise. Eat well. Return my mother�s phone calls.

(I can�t talk to her right now. I love her so much but I can�t tell her what�s going on. She wouldn�t be mad�she�d be kind and supportive, but it would hurt her so badly, and I can�t bare to do that.)

Look ahead to the future. Get on course and stay there. Use three methods of birth control every time I have sex. Get my hair cut. Write songs. Yada yada yada.

I�m in so much pain right now. The physical pain is getting better, but the psychic pain is excruciating and shows no signs of letting up.

You can�t disinfect your dark side and cover it up with a band-aid.

Well I guess you can but it�s called alcoholism.

What do I do now?