July 08, 2002 | 11:52 AM

I went to work today because I had to. I didn�t want to. I woke up with my mid section contracting and expanding and hiccuping blood and the slow sick syrup of guilt and self pity flowing through my veins and collecting in my heart. I just wanted to watch the BBC Wives and Daughters mini series and nosh on Ben and Jerry�s and cry all day. Because wallowing in that kind of misery is comfortable and getting on with life is not.

But here I am at work right now. Typing reports and greeting new students and putting on The Happy Face. Putting on The Happy Face can be a very good thing, though. I feel more grounded and capable. Only once an hour or so does the panic return full force, the tears well up, the monologue run on its tape loop across my psychic landscape:

You are bad. You are never going to love again. You are a fool. Now you�ll never have children. Nobody loves you. You are worthless...

Etc. etc.

I am enormously confused right now. I am so confused about my feelings and I am on such shaky ground. I am relishing the thought of having my own apartment. And not because I am angry at anyone or don�t want to be around them, but because I am just so god damned thrown off by the various contradictory thoughts and decisions and emotions I�m experiencing now.

I need to get on some solid ground.

Right now I feel like a little kitten or some other helpless animal and it�s embarrassing to be so needy and weak.