June 26, 2002 | 10:05 AM

Queasy dizzy queasy dizzy

It is time to be cold, calculating, and logical.

Here are the facts of the situation.

1) I make a decent living for a 25-year-old single gal. I make a piss poor living for a 25 year old single mother.

2) I do not have a caring mature partner. If I believed that suddenly he would decide he doesn�t want to be a teenager anymore and instead wants to start a wonderful family because he loves me and loves us, I would be the most delusional woman on the planet.

3) I have some serious health issues that automatically make this a high-risk pregnancy and put my health and the health of the fetus in jeopardy.

4) I would yet again have to put off all of the things I have worked so fucking hard to do.

5) I am afraid that I would be a very bad mother if I were left alone with no support knowing that the baby�s father was out drinking and carousing and didn�t give a fuck. Which even though I know he cares and wouldn�t intend to be a bastard, is probably exactly what would happen. I would have to explain to little Gwen or Jacob that her/his daddy forgot her/his birthday again because he just couldn�t handle being a dad. And that would KILL me. I just don�t think I could do it. I would lose my shit every time he didn�t call. I would hate him and say terrible things about him. I would blame him for the rest of my life.

6) I want my child to have everything in the world. I want her/him to have two loving parents and enough money.

So basically what I am saying here is that this is just a bad bad idea. And yet it seems so unfair and such a cruel joke that this should happen right now. I mean, when is it ever going to stop? When is it not going to be this big fucking drama? When can I live life as an exciting adventure that is self-directed instead of constantly dodging the slings and arrows or outrageous fortune?

Making the decision to continue this pregnancy would probably just kill me.

And making the decision to end it is killing me.

I really cannot imagine having another abortion. There has to be some other way. There has to be some safe way to do this without the Hoover. Right now I am only like three weeks pregnant. There has to be something that can be done.

Please please please if anyone has any knowledge that I don�t have, let me know. Email me. I really need help and I don�t know what to do.