June 25, 2002 | 7:51 PM

Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK

Fucking sonofabitch.

NO NO NO NO NO NO

THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

Do you have any idea how SAFE I am? I only had sex ONCE in the last month. The day after my period ended. AND I am on the pill and I take it at the same time every day and I've been on it FOREVER and there's NO WAY THAT THIS CAN BE HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW.

And I had a dream last night. About her. She said, "Hi, my name is Gwendolyn Ruth..." and I woke up and cried because I just knew. I knew. And I was right.

NO No NOOOOOOOOOO

If I was with a grownup, I would be so happy right now. I would be rejoicing. I would be so happy because this is all that I ever wanted.

No. I can't do this. I can't. I can't go through it again. I cannot go through that again. I can't.

God damn't. The world is so fucking cruel.

I would rather slit my own throat than lie on that table.

I just wanted. I always just wanted a family.