June 15, 2002 | 2:43 PM

I�ve done a lot of writing over the past two days, writing which served as an exorcism for me. And for right now I am not going to post that writing because it doesn�t feel like the correct thing to do. I shared it with Jenn who has been a rock, and for now that is enough. What I wrote about my new found knowledge and specifically about him as a human being is blatantly honest and absolutely unmerciful.

I think that once I am in my own space, I might continue The SAGA and have it end with me moving into my own apartment, which would feel like the correct place to end it. I need to sift through all of the feelings that I�ve experienced as a result of what I�ve learned, and it�s all still going on. What�s great about the SAGA anyway is the hindsight of it. In order to give myself some distance and not embarrass someone with whom I am very very angry, but don�t want to cruelly and publicly skewer as a means of revenge, I am going to sit on this for a little while, and though I might discuss it via this online venue, I�ll sort of be writing around it as opposed to about it.

The big picture has been made excruciatingly clear to me, and I see everything differently. As my mother told me on the phone this morning,

In a sense you have been given an extraordinary gift. You are now capable of disconnecting from the relationship and from him totally.

This is very true. Again, I don�t want to go into it too much. It feels wonderful to be able to be angry and not be manipulated out of it or be guilted into thinking that I am a crazy person for being hurt and enraged. I have a real sense of my own power right now. When I lost my temper this morning and yelled, I wasn�t screeching. The yell came right from my solar plexus. It was true rage and it felt so good. I didn�t feel afraid in the way I normally am when I get angry. It was though I was very in charge of my emotions and wasn�t going to be deterred from expressing them. The only other time I have ever felt that way is when I am on stage performing. It was a fabulous revelation to realize that I don�t have to be at the mercy of someone else�s point of view.

I am disengaged. I know where I stand. I know how I feel. I know my own perceptions. This is good. This is in fact, excellent.

It�s weird though that people don�t want to tell you all of the shady shit until you�ve actually ended your relationship. Nobody likes to rock the boat.