May 29, 2002 | 9:11 AM

So what of it.

Who cares if they live together.

It has nothing to do with me.

I�m just being a selfish brat. What else is new.

It has nothing to do with me.

It�s the best choice for them.

I have no right to be get upset with them about this.

Even if certain things were said and said and said over and over again, not just lately but for years.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. What other people do is their own business. None of mine. John and I broke up. The end.

I should be able to roll along and agree with them that of course this doesn�t change a thing. That in fact s�wonderful. If I were a bigger, less self-involved person I would simply be happy for them that they are going to have a nice little home together.

But it does change things. For a lot of reasons. It changes how I feel. It changes how I see them.

I�m not sure in what way or to what extent. Maybe I�ll get over it in a couple days. Maybe in a week. Maybe I won�t at all.

I have a right to my feelings. I have every right considering the situation to be hurt and sad and angry. I know that they don�t want me to be hurt and sad and angry. I know that were I in their position I would say (as they are saying) �You have no right to be hurt and sad and angry about this. Stop playing the victim. Stop being so self involved.�

And I also know that if the situation were reversed (which it wouldn�t be because it didn�t even occur to me to pursue that option considering the circumstances and considering what Jenn has been saying over and over again for months�about John, about me, and about our living situation), someone else would feel hurt and sad and angry.

But in the scheme of things, this is irrelevant. Everyone is doing what they want to do. I am moving in to my own apartment, and John and Jenn are moving into their own apartment. Together. (not together-together,-- just as friends.) And it is probably for the best. I am happy for them that they won�t be moving in with jerks they don�t know. It will be nice for them. It will probably be a very good living situation and they most likely made a wise decision for their own well being.

But it complicates things for me. It complicates my feelings for them. Especially for Jenn.

How I behaved yesterday towards John was inexcusable. I have no right to expect anything from him at all. And rudeness is crass and unbecoming. It is also highly immature.

I have an obligation to control my behavior, because my feelings are obviously not their responsibility, and it is (as it should be) more important to them to not rock their own living-situation-boat than it is to not hurt my feelings or not make me sad. Obviously I understand that. People also have a right to change their minds. Even on a moment's notice. Even after months and months of admantly claiming that they feel a certain way about something. How responsible are we really for the things we say to our friends? The whole situation is incredibly complicated, and I know that there was no malicious intent on anyone's part. It's just the way things are.

They�ve made their decision. How I feel about it is irrelevant.

But something is different. And I find it strange that they would expect that it wouldn�t be.

JW once told me I was the most selfish person she had ever known. That is quite possibly very true.

I'm exhausted and confused.

I just got back from a vacation and I already feel like I need another one.

I just have to hold on for a couple more months. Then I will have more perspective.

Everyone will.

Reminder to all you Bostonians. The Sorry Jar show is MondayJune 3rd at Jacques. I don't think there'll be another one in the forseeable future, so if you're interested in seeing John and I perform (and we are good-- we probably should have never gone out and just had a really excellent musical partnership) you should come. If you need directions or whatever, email me.