May 24, 2002 | 11:41 PM

Saw Star Wars: Episode II today.

Wasn�t expecting much. Didn�t want to be burned. Didn�t want to be let down and disappointed. Steeled myself against it. Didn�t want to get my heart broken all over again. I�ve had quite enough disappointment in that regard, thank you very much.

But my reserve melted away. Thirty minutes into the movie and I was eight years old again. I cheered like a remedial seventh grade science geek at every triumphant battle. Giggled and snorted at every in-joke and reoccurring motif. After the film, me, my brother, Mom, and kid sister ate hot fudge sundaes at Friendly�s and discussed the movie and the franchise in general at length for two hours.

I could have gone on for another five.

I am once again in love with Star Wars.

Absolutely fucking phenomenal. Especially the last hour or so.

Dark, too.

Decapitations. The slaughtering of women and children. Struggles between good and evil. Once again the franchise has ascended to the level of myth.

And all I have to say is that Christopher Lee is awesome. In the past year he�s played two ultimate bad guys�Saramon and Count Dookoo. Those two aforementioned roles along with his performance as Lord Summeraisle in The Wickerman complete a holy trinity of delightful malevolence. The man is my new hero.

Am I sick for totally wanting to fuck Christopher Lee?

Don�t answer that.

Other good things about the movie:

1. The fight scenes. All of them. Yoda vs. Dookoo. Obi-Wan vs. Jenga Fet. Annakin, Obi-Wan, and Amidala vs. those awesome fucking creatures in the amphitheater. So powerful and intense and graphic.

2. I love that Ewan McGregor has become Alec Guiness. His timing and vocal intonation is perfect. Ewan has created an incredible continuity between the two phases of Star Wars. He is also so totally hot that it�s unreal.

I wanna do him and Christopher Lee at the same time in their Jedi gear.

(I stop writing for a moment as I retrieve my mind from the gutter)

3. Samuel L. Jackson as the baddest fliest jedi in the galaxy. (�I don�t think so�). So perfect.

4. Everything about Yoda. Man is he in shape.

5. The story telling. Ingenius. Everything is tying together. It�s so exciting and intense and it�s all making sense now.

6. Senator Palpatine is soooooooooooo bad. Soooooo bad, dude. I love him. I love his politics. I love how calculating he is. He�s a backstabbing little fuck, huh? Man is he a fascist. One of me fave lines is when he says, I love democracy and his voice is just dripping with sarcasm.

There were only two things I hated about the movie.

Some of the dialogue was just awful. Especially in the scenes detailing the Amidala/Anakin romance. Hideously bad. Lucas should be ashamed of himself. The words were flat and lifeless, almost as though they had been poorly translated from another language. Was George on qualudes when he constructed those scenes? Had he suffered a serious blow to the head? I have never heard such clunkers in my life.

Annakin: I hate the sand. It�s so course and rough. Not like it is here�.smooth. (looks meaningfully into Amidala�s eyes as he runs his finger up her arm)

Where was he looking for inspiration with that one? Jacqueline Suzanne? My brother and I chortled for like ten minutes.

Also, the romance scenes were shot like tampon commercials, with plenty of light hearted baby powder fresh frolicking in meadows and what not. Those scenes were so out of place within the context of the darkness inherent in the rest of the film. The Amidala/Annikin romance should have had the morbid connotation of Heathcliff and Cathy in Wuthering Heights. IT SHOULD BE DARK AND DOOMED AND SICK!!! And there should have been some hard core (implied) fucking. There wasn�t even the suggestion of sex. Which is lame. I mean, in Empire Strikes Back the heat between Han and Leia is palpable. You know they can�t wait to jump in the sack together. That didn�t come across at all with Amidala and Annikin. I can�t even imagine either of them having genitals. They are sexless and there is no chemistry between them.

Although on his own Annikin is hot as fuck. That gaze when he talks about murdering the sand people.

Jesus. Why am I so attracted to the dark side of the force? I love those evil fuckers, yo�. It is my curse in life.

(My brother and I decided that Annikin is a scorpio with an aries acendent and a scorpio moon. Perhaps I�ll explain this later.)

The Amdiala/Annikin romance sort of reminded me of the TV movie of the Judy Blume book, Forever. The W.E. network runs that sometimes and it�s just a howler. I totally recommend watching it stoned.

Oh, also Natalie Portman and Hayden Christiansen are in dire need of a dialect coach. Their pronounciation is glaringly of a short time ago and in this galaxy, in close proximity to the local mall.

What was my second complaint about Episode II?

Guess.

Will Boba Fet please assassinate Jar Jar Binks in Episode III? Can we see the blood oozing out of his decapitated head, �cause that would make me really happy.

All in all though, I loved it. I fucking loved it so much. I am going to see it like a hundred billion more times. No shit.

Right now I�m gonna go watch Empire Strikes Back.

Oh by the way, I am so happy right now. SO FUCKING HAPPY.