May 22, 2002 | 9:16 AM

Jenn came home all flushed and blushing drunk last night�apparently there was a going away party for the boy at work she used to have a crush on but doesn�t anymore.

He �shusshed� me while I was speaking and I just couldn�t ever find him attractive again.

Fair enough.

So Jenn was feeling open and vulnerable and dizzy and we sat at the kitchen table and talked as she chowwed down on burnt pizza.

In several weeks Jenn will be going on a date with a dear friend of mine�we�ll call him �Jake�. He lives in Portland Maine, is 35 years old, and his first book will be coming to a Barnes and Noble near you sometime over the next couple months. The book is a history of rock �n� roll and is very Lester Bangs influenced. I�ve read a lot of it, and it�s fucking powerful. Jake also writes for The New York Press and Magnet and a bunch of other places.

He doen�t have to have a real job. He just writes. He worked his ass off to get where he is, and he is quite possibly the coolest man I have ever met. He is my hero.

And he and Jenn are going to be dating.

Which is fucking incredible.

Jake writes Jenn long romantic letters�not the long romantic letters you would get from some dumbass sensitive ponytail guy, but the kind of long romantic letters a really literate punk influenced rock writer writes�slightly vulgar, imaginative, cynical, sexy, and infused with vulnerability and pop culture allusions. If somebody quoted Laura Nyro and Joey Ramone in the same love letter to me, I would be his for life.

Jake has liked Jenn for a looooooong time. When she was dating Ronnie, Jake said to me,

I don�t know why she�s wasting her time on him. Jenn is fucking gorgeous. If I had a woman like that I�d lay pleasure at her feet every day and thank my fuckin� lucky stars she�d even deign to talk to me.

So.

This is all wonderful.

Jake�s been crazy about her forever and she�s over the moon for him, and now they�re finally gonna get together.

So what�s the problem?

The same shitty problem that affects every woman I know.

What if he doesn�t like me? What if he thinks I�m fat? What if he realizes he made this terrible mistake and I�m not good enough for him?

Jenn, you are gorgeous. You look great. You�re brilliant and funny and you have a great job and you�re well read and you�re exactly what he wants.

Yes but what if he thinks I�m ugly? What if he remembers me as being better looking than I am.....

It is frustrating to see women appraising themselves as objects rather than getting in touch with their own perceptions. I do it too. How did we get this way? The questions we should be asking ourselves are,

How do I feel? Do I like him? Do I find him attractive?

As Epictetus says, what other people think of you is none of your concern. The more we focus on our own wants, needs, and desires, the happier we are.

And fuck somebody else if they don�t like you or don�t think you�re beautiful. You only deserve to be with someone who wants to (as Jake says) lay pleasure at your feet every day. We all only deserve to be with someone who loves us unconditionally.

But then of course when I apply this theory to myself, I respond in the same, bullshit insecure manner.

I�m trying to be better though. I'm making an effort.