May 20, 2002 | 10:52 AM

From: Your Favorite Neurotic Head Case

To: Diarylanders

May 20th, 2002

Dear Diaryland Friends:

I am sorely in need of some sage advice and am hoping that you in all your infinite wisdom will be able to help me.

Here�s the deal�

If you�ve been reading my diary you know the mythical importance that the concept of home has taken on in my life, and you know the crazy living situations I have found myself in.

You also know that I have just broken up a six-year relationship with someone who I am still living with. Our lease ends in September and at that point we shall forever (or for the foreseeable looooong-term future anyway) be going our separate ways.

Prior to John and I breaking up, we threw our hat in the ring for a housing lottery associated with the university I work for. And as it turns out, we won.

I have been offered a phenomenal one-bedroom apartment. If it had been the two of us paying for it, it would have been well within my budget.

However, circumstances have changed and I am now alone.

The apartment is $1150/month.

As Boston rents go, this is (sadly) pretty cheap for a one bedroom. Also, if I decide to take it, I won�t have to put down the first/ last/ security/ fee/ down payment (in the neighborhood of $5,000) I would need to put down for any other apartment. Thus making it even cheaper.

I have gone over the numbers, and technically, I could make the rent and bills with about 450- $500 a month left over to eat, take the subway, pay for books/registration fees at school, clothing, and any possible social activity I might participate in. Basically $450-500 for every other expense in my life other than paying for shelter, electricity, and local phone service.

It would be very very tight. It could be uncomfortably tight. It might even be so tight as to be frightening.

I have thought about this and thought about this and I am still deadlocked.

It would be so freeing to have my very own apartment where everything was mine, where I called all the shots and I could explore my own independence. I would gain an enormous peace of mind knowing that no one could put me in a bad situation and that I was absolutely self directed. I would also be close to school�like a two-minute walk away. This would be highly convenient as I work forty hours a week and plan on taking two or three classes as well next semester. Commuting all over the city sucks when you are really busy, and being a stone�s throw away from class would make my life much much easier.

At this point, the aforementioned university apartment would be the only opportunity I have to live alone in Boston right now; I do not have enough time to raise all the money for a down payment on a different (cheaper) one bedroom/studio apartment.

The other option would be to move into an already established household with roommates. This would be a much cheaper way of doing things, and would guarantee that I would continue to be quite comfortable financially.

Now, I don�t know anyone who I would want to live with that has a room opening up in September. Therefore I would be moving in with total strangers. I have done that in the past and needless to say, my track record on that front is not very good. I�m afraid of living with people I don�t know. What if they turn out to be mean or crazy, or at worst just really cold, and I don�t feel like the place is my home? I absorb other people�s vibes/energy really easily, and what I�m looking to do in my life now is to learn how to be autonomous and self directed.

I think I would feel lonelier and more depressed living with people I didn�t get along with than I would feel living all by myself.

Another possibility is that I could pick up and move the hell out of this city, never looking back and just go somewhere completely different. This would be a drastic move, as I have a job that I like and I am attending classes here as well. It would be a huge gamble. But it would also ensure that I would get over my ex-boyfriend instead of pining for him simply because I�m sad and lonely and don�t know what else to do with myself.

The entire decision making process is complicated by the fact that right now I feel like I am about on the verge of completely losing my shit entirely. It is a supreme effort to just go to work and not spend the day sobbing. I don�t feel like I am in any position to make logical choices right now. I am so incredibly terrified of the future in a way I haven�t been in a long time. I know that all of these new avenues opening up could be a positive thing and perhaps everything will work out wonderfully. I know that ending my relationship was absolutely the right choice for me. In my heart of hearts I feel things are going to be OK. But at the moment I am scared shitless and paralyzed as to what to do concerning my housing situation.

Which is why I am asking for your advice. And obviously I know you don�t know me and that this is my decision and so forth, but I�m hoping that maybe some of you might have some pearls of wisdom. Maybe you have gone through a similar situation, or maybe something is occurring to you that I haven�t even thought of.

In any case, I am running out of time. I have to make a decision ASAP. Any insight you have would be greatly appreciated. Seriously. Even if it sounds stupid. I want the opinion of impartial people who don�t know me. Please email me or sign my guestbook.

Thanks so much,

Anna