May 19, 2002 | 3:28 PM

Yesterday, Jenn and I had a girly girl recover day. We bought a shit load of alcohol and junk food and rented a bunch of teen movies and got trashed, snacked on cheap chocolate and Twizzlers, listened to Tears for Fears, The Cars, and Echo and the Bunnymen, and watched our movies.

What follows are my reviews of the teen classics we watched:

1. Can�t Hardly Wait

OK. Right away this movie has a black mark against it because it stars Jennifer Love Hewit. And there is absolutely nothing likeable about Jennifer Love Hewit. Nothing. She doesn�t have the perky warmth of Kirsten Dunst (nor the acting chops for that matter), the dualistic glamour come ass-kickery of Sarah Michelle Gellar, nor the regal haughtiness of past teen movie princess Molly Ringwald. Jennifer Love Hewit is completely and utterly vapid, projecting nothing across the screen other than a sunny brain washed quality, as though she�s spent the past five years chained to a chair, forced to watch the 1988 Republican Convention over and over again.

The film takes place on the day of high school graduation. Jennifer has just been dumped by her dumb jock boyfriend Mike, played passably by Peter Facinelli, who wants to cut the strings to his past prior to attending college. The film makes the point over and over again that Mike�s desire to grow as a person beyond his relationship with Ms. Love is really really stupid. After all, Jennifer Love Hewitt is The Hottest Girl in School (vomit�I think she looks like a giant Barbie shaped Pez dispenser, personally. What a huge head that girl has. And her face is so�pointy. Some day she�s gonna grow up to be Terri Hatcher and then God help us all.) In college, Mike is told, the girls are different. They care about things like world events! You actually have to have a conversation with them if you want to get laid! Nobody is gonna wanna fuck big dumb stupid Mike then, yo. He better keep gettin� some action while the gettin�s good.

Mike continuously attempts to convince his friends to dump their girlfriends as well. But they are all getting laid on a regular basis and don�t want to give up the consistent sex. One of Mike�s friends is played by the guy who plays Rico on Six Feet Under.

Mike isn�t the only one with eyes for JLH. The entire male population of the school wants to bang her. But one man�s love for Ms. Love is pure and true. He has been obsessed with her since Freshman year when the two of them brought the same kind of pop tart to school for breakfast(!). His name is Preston, and he is played forgettably by Ethan Embry. Mr. Embry�s approach to acting this part is to wear a look of perpetual confusion on his face, as though he can�t remember where he left his car keys.

Preston has never even spoken to JLH, whose name in the movie is Amanda. But somehow we�re supposed to think that his love is noble simply because he doesn�t profess to how badly he wants to get between her thighs. See, he�s a romantic (aka a eunuch). He even takes it as a sign from God when the song �Mandy� by Barry Manilow is played on the radio! What a douche bag.

This teen movie has it all. Lots of �fag� jokes (So fucking uncool. Have we not gotten past that homophobic garbage yet?). Lousy music. Gender stereotypes. Unfunny gags revloving around sex and bodily functions. Everything is played broadly, which would be fine if there was any wit or inventiveness to the proceedings. But nobody even looks like they're having any real fun. The actors grit their teeth like weathered car salemen in need of a bonus. It's embarrasing and depressing to watch them try to convince you what a good time they're having.

But the movie is redeemed by the presence of two excellent people, and their most excellent subplot.

Seth Green and Lauren Ambrose play social misfits who get locked in a bathroom together and wind up fucking. I mean, I so would have loved this movie if the entire two hours were devoted to them. Seth and Lauren are both fine actors, and even in a silly teen movie that comes across. Their characters are also interesting and infused with anxty teen depth. They seem completely out of place within the context of the rest of the film. I would have enjoyed seeing what a writer/director like Richard Linklater would do with the two of them and the scenario in which they find themselves. Too bad, we�ll never know. But at least they get to have one righteous, silly and lusty sex scene.

Sex on the bathroom floor rules, yo�.

Side note�three members of the cast of Six Feet Under, the best show on TV, are in this film. Lauren Ambrose, the guy who plays Rico, and the guy who plays fucking Gabe!!!! He�s in Can�t Hardly Wait for like a minute and a half. But that minute and a half is far better than everything else in this exploitative, cheesy, used toilet paper square of a teen flick.

Grade: C-

2. The Sure Thing

A highly underrated John Cusack mid 80�s sex romp that sorta fell through the cracks. I mean, the man was part of so many stellar teen productions in the 80�s. Sixteen Candles, Better of Dead, One Crazy Summer, and of course the mother of all teen movies, the one that transcends the genre to become a classic romantic comedy of the highest order, Say Anything. In the face of the great Lloyd Dobler, all things pale in comparison.

But you gotta give The Sure Thing it�s due. John Cusack does a great job of making unlikable characters likeable (the prime example of this being High Fidelity, I think). And his character Gib, in The Sure Thing is nothing more than a horn dog in search of a meaningless fuck. But Cusack imbues Gib with a misbegotten sweetness, and an implied understanding that Gib knows there�s something in life he�s missing out on�he just doesn�t know what. The crux of the movie revolves around Gib�s dawning realization of what that is.

In the hands of a different actor, The Sure Thing could have descended either into simpering syrupy pap, or schlocky teenage lust shenanigans (think Porky�s by way of Sixteen Candles), but Cusack hits just the right note, by making Gib snarky and loveable, a total pain in the ass but completely endearing.

Gib attends an Ivy League college on the East Coast (we aren�t told which one) where all the girls are stuck up and unattainable (it is to the credit of Rob Reiner, the film�s director, that the audience understands that this isn�t actually so�but merely Gib�s opinion.) Gib gets a call from his high school buddy who attends school in California. The high school buddy tells Gib that he knows a girl who is drop dead gorgeous, and based on a picture she saw of Gib, she wants to do it with him!

Now, this type of situation would be highly unlikely in real life. I mean, if you were a beautiful college girl who wanted to get laid, wouldn�t you just sleep with some guy at your school? But whatever. It works as a plot device.

Gib goes on a cross-country road trip to see the girl during school vacation. He obtains a ride from two obnoxious musical theatre geeks who happen to be a couple. The geeks are also giving a ride to Gib�s arch nemesis Alison, played by Daphne Zuniga, who does a great job of playing prissy, and is also very easy on the eyes (I know I�m doing the sexist film critic thing of discussing the lead actresses appearance and not the lead actor�s, but I�m sorry�she really is beautiful.)

Alison is the typical snooty, standoffish East Coast ivy student. She is travelling to see her boyfriend who is at UCLA law school. Gib and Allison get into a huge fight, which causes the musical theater geeks to eject them from the car They are thus stranded in the middle of nowhere.

Of course love ensues. Gib teaches Alison to relax and she teaches him to be serious. They have wacky misadventures and the movie takes its sweet time getting them together. I liked that their eventual submission to their blooming attraction doesn�t feel forced, but rather evolves organically, if predictably.

There�s lots of ridiculous 80�s fashion and groaningly hilarious 80�s music (The Future�s So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades, I Wear My Sunglasses At Night). There�s Anthony Ewards pre Hair Club For Men days, as the typical party hardy 80�s dude. His performance is uintentionally creepy. He comes acrorss like someone who might stalk their next door neighbor or something. And then there�s Nicolette Sheirdian as The Sure Thing herself, who isn�t given very much to do except look pretty and insecure in a series of horribly ugly bathing suits.

Oh, and Tim Robbins is hilarious as one of the musical theater geeks.

All in all, passable fun. I�m not sorry I watched it.

Grade: B

3. Ten Things I Hate About You

Um�.

I could think of ten Thousand Things I hated about this idiotic mean spirited dull little film.

Bad. Just bad.

Alarmingly terribly horribly unmistakably groaningly shitty. The fact that it�s a modern day version of Shakespeare�s The Taming of the Shrew doesn�t make it intelligent or literary. The fact that the script supplies knowing allusions to indie rock bands (i.e. Bikini Kill and The Raincoats) doesn�t make it hip.

The biggest problem with this movie is that it can�t make up its mind about what sort of film it wants to be. Some movies can get away with genre bending (ie Donnie Darko, Ghost World), but Ten Things I Hate About You doesn�t have the self awareness to pull that off. What exactly is it? A satire of teen movies? A farce? A sex comedy? A coming of age story? It�s all of these and none of these. It is a ludicrous as it is ambitious. And golly does it drag.

The jokes are horrible. The acting forced. Julia Stiles as the school�s least popular student? Come on, dude. Didn�t buy it for a second. Some people can play against type and others can�t. Guess which category Julia falls into? Stick to ingenues and ballerinas, darlin�. Heath Ledger as a bad boy? Please. He�s about as threatening as the Breck Girl, and just as pretty.

Total crap.

Grade: D-

4. Save The Last Dance

OK. I�m a sap. There�s part of me that is a romantic thirteen-year-old girl and will be for the rest of my life. And this movie appealed to that aspect of myself. Yes it�s completely predictable and an unabashed melodrama. But it worked. All of the actors were likeable and the characterizations reasonably strong for a teen flick. I also thought it dealt with the topic of racism and inter-racial romance in a reasonably realistic and thoughtful way. Just the fact that a teen film would have the courage to talk about issues that are sadly still controversial in many areas of this country wins points with me.

Julia Stiles plays Sarah, a teenage girl who dreams of being a ballerina. On the day of her Julliard audition, her mother dies in a car wreck, and Julia is forced to move to Chicago to live with her absentee musician dad.

Her father�s apartment in located of Chicago�s Southside and Sarah must attend an all black school. There, she falls in love with Sean Patrick Harris, a gorgeous and incredibly smart black guy. He helps her gain the courage to dance again.

Can I just say that Sean Patrick Harris is just fucking awesome? He is beautiful and talented and exhibits a great deal of intelligence. Even in the context of this being a melodrama for thirteen year old girls, he gives a dynamic and realistic performance. It would have been very easy for his character to be nothing more than a stereotype, but he never makes easy choices in his performance. I love this guy. I really hope that he keeps working in more adult movies, and gets recognized for just what an excellent actor he is.

Julia Stiles is fine as Sarah. The role brings out her best qualities�grace and sweetness and mild teenage awkwardness, and doesn�t exploit everything that bothers me about her�her brattiness and mawkish tendencies. Julia Stiles isn�t a great actress by any means, but when given a role within her limited range, she�s a fine presence on screen.

Grade: B+

So, that�s my wrap up on yesterday�s drunk teenage film fest.

Right now I�m going to have a rum and coke and watch Bill Eliot.