May 06, 2002 | 1:33 PM

When I started this diary, I thought that no one would read it except John.

It sort of balooned into this whole huge thing that I never expected.

Right now is a very very hard time for me in my life and I can't descend into a bunch of petty bullshit. He-Man's roommate and a good friend of John's (you know-- my s.) just listed me as a fave with a nasty little comment attached. I will refrane from answering it in here out of respect for John and the fact that I was with him for six years.

This is all becoming very very negative very quickly and I'm really sorry that I ever even started writing this thing, and I don't really understand why this is happening right now.

I think this is the end of writing in here for me.

It's too bad because it was helpful for a long time and now I just feel so fucking horrible and actually sick to my stomach over the whole thing. Would it make sense if I told you that I feel like the entire six years I spent with John has been cheapened?

I need a break from this and I don't think I'll ever come back to it. Actually, I need a break from a lot of things. Including Boston.

See, this is why I never was really into online stuff because it always descends into this sort of lame Jerry Springer war.

I have a lot on my plate right now and I am barely just keeping it together without being flamed by a bunch of Berklee students that I don't even fucking know.

The end.

Wait one more thing-- If I ever come back to writing in here, which may or may not happen and most likely won't because I think it's just been ruined (too bad-- it was the only place I've felt comfortable speaking my mind in the past three years), I will not mention these two people (He Man and my S) again because they are definitely not worth my time-- although I can safely say that I am pretty fucking hurt that someone who is supposedly friends with someone I love very much would be so callous at a time like this. Wow. And I've only ever said like five words to her. Nice. very fucking nice.