May 06, 2002 | 6:08 PM

I read Matt�s response to my �hate mail� and found myself actually laughing, especially at the last couple paragraphs�because he is to a certain extent, right about me. I have insecurities and he is intelligent enough to pick up on them; they�re pretty obvious and anyone who reads my writing knows what they are. Matt also has a decent (though incredibly cruel) sense of humor, and I found his entry to be both highly insulting, and weirdly enjoyable as a piece of critical writing.

He also mentioned that the last book he read was a collection of Lester Bangs� writing, which is funny, because the last thing I finished reading was Lester�s biography, and I run the Lester Bangs diary ring. I am probably the biggest Lester Bangs fan of all time, and I found it amusing that Matt would assume I had never heard of him. But then again, Matt assumes quite a bit.

The thing is, acerbity, cynicism, and sarcasm are three of my favorite qualities in a writer. Micheal Moore, Lester Bangs, Anne Sexton, Micheal Chabon, e.e. cummings, and WB Yeats all employ those techniques. And Matt employs them too�with some success to boot. But what is equally important in a writer is an innate empathy with the plight of humankind, and a willingness to be vulnerable. That�s what separates someone like John Lennon from someone like Richard Hell. One is a musical giant with a vast catalog of insightful, kaleidoscopic insights which transverse all viewpoints and add up to a greater vision of the complexities of this world. The other is an amusing footnote to rock history.

I wonder what would provoke someone to lash out at a person they don�t even know. I wonder what reserves of self-loathing would cause someone to enjoy hurting another person. And I wonder this not as a desperately insecure girl with a lot of self esteem issues (which I am and have never made a secret), but as someone who doesn�t see the world in the way Matt sees it. Even if he were right and I am a talentless fool (that�s a matter of opinion.) Why would someone stoop to being so petty and cruel? Why would someone devote their energy and their intelligence to cutting down another person who is vulnerable? I certainly read a lot of junk on diaryland that I dislike or find to be completely lacking in artistic merit. But it would never occur to me to ridicule the writers online.

When my chapbook was published in 1996 and I did a signing in New York, someone told me point blank that they hated my work. They were very direct and objective in their assessments of my writing. But it wasn�t personal. And I�m wondering what would cause an intelligent human being to viciously and personally attack someone else. Of course, I responded to his attack in kind because my feelings were hurt. Maybe he feels the way I felt when I read his profile comment, except he feels that way all the time. Maybe he�s walking around with some big psychic wound. That�s probably pop psychology nonsense. But I wonder why someone would choose to be a bully when he could obviously do so much more. And I�m sure he could come up with some smartalecky comment that I would laugh at if it weren�t directed towards me to answer that question. But that�s beside the point. Because participating in needlessly cruel behavior to get your jollies is a sign that something is very very wrong. And all of the witticisms and razor sharp bon mots in the world don�t cancel out that fact.

What I�m writing now or anything that I could write about Matt�s entries or about his character, will not be as funny or as pointed as what he wrote about me. Because I simply don�t see people as fodder for my intellectual meat grinder, and it is not in my nature to be cruel. I think you can probably grow beyond anything besides cruelty. And regardless of how smart you are, meanness makes you small.

What I have to ask myself is why does what one person think about me have such an effect on how I see myself? Why is it that tons of people read my work every day and lavish supporting praise at my feet, but why does one person, my opinion of whom is pretty shabby anyway, have such sway over how I feel?

The fact is, what Matt thinks doesn�t matter. And what someone who loves my work thinks doesn�t matter either. What matters is how I see myself and what I do with my life. And bullies pray on people who really care what others think of them.

I can simply choose to ignore it, and that�s what I am going to do from now on.

We�ll see where we go from here. I haven�t made up my mind yet.