May 05, 2002 | 9:28 AM

In case you don�t know. John and I broke up. And we really really broke up. It was mutual. It was non-acrimonious. I still love him very very much. You never know what the future holds, but I for right now I am choosing to believe that this is absolutely positively the end of it forever and ever. Because I can�t afford to think any other way.

The way I see it, I�m being given a second chance.

I�m in very much the same situation I was in when John and I broke up four years ago (which was two years after we started dating.) Except this time I�m in a far more stable position financially and emotionally. And this time I want to do things right.

I will not become addicted to my own grief. I will not sink into a suicidal depression. I will not pine to get him back�especially since I�ve been so unhappy in the relationship for the last two years (which isn�t to say that I don�t still love him because I really do so much�which is why this hurts like hell.) I will not run out and start sleeping with other people (e.g. Angus) to make myself feel better. I will not give up on all of my dreams.

I am going to allow myself a week or so of drinking and eating cake and listening to my Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach CD on repeat. I will allow myself a week of watching Brigette Jones� Diary and Say Anything and Peggy Sue Got Married. I will allow myself one week of being able to burst into tears on the bus in the morning or whenever I think about how much he means to me and everything I�ve done for this relationship and how fucking lost and disoriented I feel.

And during this week I am going to think long and hard about what I want from life. Because now I am unencumbered and the world is full of possibilities.

I don�t even have to stay in the city of Boston if I don�t want to. I could leave and start over somewhere else. Fuck, I could move across the country or take a job overseas.

This is sink or swim. This is the point in my life I think, where I can either revert to old habits and repeat the same mistakes again and again, or I can ascend to some other level of consciousness and truly move on with my life.

And I�ll tell you a very valuable lesson I have learned, and it�s a cliche (as most romantic lessons are). YOU CANNOT EXPECT ANYONE TO CHANGE. And if something is really important to you in a relationship (I mean really really important�not something stupid like, he must wear cool sneakers or have gone to an Ivy league college) and the person you�re with doesn�t have it from the get go�even if that person has everything else�turn around and run.

I have a confession to make. When I started writing The Saga, in the back of my mind I think I was hoping that if John read about how I felt and what I had gone through, he would have some sort of epiphany and make some really profound changes. And of course, that�s stupid. Nobody changes for anyone else. You change because you really want to.

Quite frankly, looking back on things, I don�t think this could have ended in any other way. We got together so young. There was so much damage and hurt inflicted. Some things get broken and they stay broken. What they say is true�you really can�t ever go home again.

And both of us need to make our own way in the world. We have never been alone as adults. I�ve certainly felt completely and totally alone for the last couple years of our relationship, but I haven�t been autonomous. And now I am.

The next time I get involved with someone (which probably won�t be for years�the idea of it makes me want to throw up), that person is going to be someone who thinks I am the sun, the moon, and the stars. That person is going to adore me and think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. If I don�t feel completely safe and secure in that person�s love, I will tell him to take a hike. And I will not ever get involved with someone who isn�t 100% sure of what he wants�whether it�s from our relationship or what he wants in life. I will probably never date anyone under the age of thirty ever again.

Right now, I just want to bury my head in the sand. I haven�t felt this terrible in forever. I think I�m going to ask Sharon if I can take the week off and go home and visit my Mom. I just want to feel loved and comforted and I want a safe place to cry and talk about everything. Because right now I just want to die.

I can be strong. I can move on. I�ve done it before. I will do it again. Everyone is the world goes through this at some point, I guess.

Why do the good decisions always have to hurt so fucking badly?

I will keep writing the Saga. But I might need to break for a few days. Also, don't be surprised if there are several despairing drunken entries about how I want to jump off a bridge and how I've wasted my life or something equally unsettling. If I write something like that, I don't reeally mean it. I'm just grieving now, and there's a lot of shit coming up.

I made an appointment to go back on antidepressants because I will not lose myself again. I just won't.