April 29, 2002 | 12:30 PM

Autumn in New Yorkis a ridiculous movie for a number of reasons. Firstly, it incorporates every single cliche (or archetype, if you want to be kind) known to romantic melodrama�

 A May/December affair between opposite personalities

 A shallow womanizing cad who learns What Love Is by becoming involved with a saint

 The shallow womanizing cad must face the consequences of his past mistakes and learn from them

 The obligatory plot twist where the man fucks up and almost loses the girl forever, but then realizes how much he loves her and sets things right

 The beautiful young girl is dying of a terminal disease which doesn�t have any affect on her other than to turn her cheeks rosy and make her occasionally breathless and woozy

 The film ends with the obligatory death of the young girl, the inference of which is that her life is sacrificed so that the shallow womanizing cad can become a whole human being

The leads are played by Richard Gere and Wynona Ryder� two actors whose careers began promisingly and then nose dived into self parody. Their performances do nothing to transcend the banality of the film. Don�t ask me why I committed two hours to watching it. It was an enormous waste of time.

However, the movie had one line that touched a nerve and has been haunting me since I saw it several weeks ago. The line is something like this:

There are only two kinds of love stories in this world. Boy loses girl or girl loses boy. That�s it. Somebody always gets left behind.

Obviously, this isn�t the deepest revelation in the world. It is however, true.

Which brings me to my point.

I�ve been thinking about relationships a lot lately. Love and sex and the meaning behind the whole parade and all the customs and the rules and the roles that romantic relationships play in our lives.

Here are some questions I�ve been mulling over. And I only have murky answers.

I�m interested in what you think. I like to talk about sex/romance at least as much as I enjoy participating in it.

1. Why is the concept of monogamy treasured in this culture? Is monogamy a good and healthy thing, as it is currently defined by society?

2. What separates the notion of romantic love from any other kind of love? Is the one thing that makes romantic love �special� sex?

3. How important is sex to a romantic relationship?

4. At one point do you �give up� on a relationship?

5. People throw around the term �cheating� a great deal, but what exactly is the definition of that term?

6. Does the static notion of a continuos one on one romantic relationship promote personal growth or defeat it?

7. Does anyone believe in the concept of finding a one true love who is the right person for you? Can there be more than one of these people? What about more than one at the same time? What exactly is a soul mate?

8. Is romantic love merely a narcissistic illusion? An elaborate diversion from the business of self-actualization?

9. Can we achieve self-actualization through love?

10. Can you ever really know anyone else in the context of a romantic relationship?

11. Why do people place labels and/or limits on their sexuality? l(i.e. �I am straight/bi/gay�) Are these labels freeing or constricting? Does anyone believe that individual sexuality is a fluid concept, one that is constantly in flux?

12. Does sex get better the longer you sleep with someone? What is the best sex you have ever had?

13. How many people like roll playing games in bed?

14. Are there people out there who enjoy having sex with someone they don�t like at all?

15. What exactly is �casual sex�?

16. Why do some people hate masturbation? Why do some people like maturation more than they like having sex with someone else? Why is masturbation such a guilt inducing activity when no one gets hurt? Why are people embarrassed about it?

Any and all thoughts on these questions or anything relating would be most appreciated. Email me or guestbook me.

Oh, there will probably be no saga update today. Most likely, tomorrow. I�m at a critical point and have some thinking to do about it.