April 28, 2002 | 7:22 PM

It�s Spring.

And the world is ripe and new and blooming and you can smell it in the air that things are alive again and growing.

And I am too.

I have deadened myself for too long, waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen.

Kind of like going to the grocery store and instead of picking out what you want and paying for it, standing in the middle of the aisle and just hoping somebody will say,

Oh pardon me, you look like you might want to buy some Wonderbread. Here, let me show you where it is.

I can have anything in this world that I want and I�m not afraid (OK OK�I�ll be honest�I�m becoming less afraid) of paying the price for what I want. Because everything has a price.

In this case the price is letting go of the past, recognizing that who I was at 18 or 20 is not necessarily who I am now. The price is also not knowing exactly what the hell is in store for me. I have to give myself room for surprises.

And I have to be true to myself in the moment. I have to have the courage to ask,

What the fuck do I want?

On a related note�

Sex.

It�s everywhere right now. It permeates my thoughts. It follows me from room to room.

I feel so alive and lusty and wanting and fulfilled at the same time.

Which is funny because I�m not really having any sex at all.

But I feel like a goddess. I feel like sex is just poring right through my skin.

I feel like I could pluck sex right out of the air as easily as picking an apple off a tree.

There is so much desire in me that it is shooting out of my eyes and my fingers and my toes.

I have a confession to make.

For a very very long time I didn�t star in my own sexual fantasies. I didn�t participate in them. Rather I stood outside the fantasy and watched it and in place of me, I substituted someone else who I thought was more�adequate. Because I have never felt worthy of being wanted, adored, or worshipped sexually. I have always felt that the men who wanted me wanted me in spite of how I looked, like they were doing me a favor by saying, �You�re smart and talented and you have a pretty face so I�ll just put up with your extra weight.�

And I starved for their attention. And feared their rejection.

And do you know what?

That is fucking ridiculous.

I have this body and I love it. I love what it can do. I love being able to taste and smell and touch. I love the pleasure my body can give and receive. I love how it feels after swimming and lifting weights. I love how round and soft and curvaceous it is.

And if you don�t�if you don�t find as much pleasure in my body as I do, then screw off, Jack. Because I bet you a million dollars there are hundreds of other people who would. And I hope you spend the rest of your life masturbating to some absurd, idealized, fuckwad fantasy instead of curling up with a real live person who likes to fuck morning noon and night.

This revelation has been brought to you by my new found autonomy.