April 29, 2002 | 3:42 PM

1. Why is the concept of monogamy treasured in this culture? Is monogamy a good and healthy thing, as it is currently defined by society?

My honest unemotional answer to this is that the concept of monogamy as it exists currently is total hooey. It is nothing more than a blind continuation of archaic and outdated policies which structure marriage/family life as a microcosm of the patriarchal order. Monogamy allows society to continue in a smooth uninterrupted manner and keeps everyone�s ids in check. It makes life less complicated for everyone and creates safe easy roles for people to fall into.

My emotional response to this question is obviously a lot more complicated. Being the silly fool I am, I would like to believe in the concept that people fall madly in love with someone and then choose to be �true� to that person solely because they want to and not out of guilt, obligation, or dogged loyalty. But to be perfectly honest, I don�t think that�s true�or rather I don�t think it�s true once you�re with someone for a really long time. I don�t think human beings were designed to choose one human being to love more than all others forever and ever amen. I think that love comes in many forms and can be expressed in many forms, and I think it would be great if everyone could just go about freely expressing themselves. I think we all grow and change and need new experiences to support personal growth. However, that being said, I am a horribly jealous person and I have to be number one in the hearts of those I adore. So basically, I�m a total jerk regarding this issue.

2. What separates the notion of romantic love from any other kind of love? Is the one thing that makes romantic love �special� sex?

Yes. Sex is the key. And not just for stupid shallow reasons. Sex promotes intimacy and it is the closest you can ever be to another human being. Sex is sheer communication and sensation. Quite frankly, it is possibly the most holy experience in the world. I�m not saying that it is better or more important than other forms of communication, but only that it is so specific and personal and intense that it precludes the definition of romance.

3. How important is sex to a romantic relationship?

Sex is the absolute bedrock of any romantic relationship, by which I mean that although in the abstract other things may be more important and I�m certainly not advocating anyone staying in an abusive or just plain lousy relationship because the sex is fabulous, without good sex, there is no romantic relationship. Who would put up with all the craziness and heartbreak that occurs in the context of being truly intimate with someone if the sex isn�t really good or really frequent? ( or at least in line with your own appetite�if you�re one of those people who doesn�t like to fuck that much, then this probably doesn�t apply to you)

4. At one point do you �give up� on a relationship?

Intellectually I would say when you aren�t enjoying yourself anymore, or if someone is hurting you or your dreams aren�t in line with his dreams, or if something more appetizing comes along. But being the crazy girl I am, I don�t have an answer to this question because I hate letting go of people.

5. People throw around the term �cheating� a great deal, but what exactly is the definition of that term?

What a yucky stupid word. I hate it. It sounds so...trashy and uncouth. I�m real foggy on this one. Some people would consider kissing someone else or writing love letters to someone else cheating. Other people would say that nothing less than sexual intercourse with someone other than your partner is cheating. I think many people apply different definitions depending on who is doing the cheating�them or their partner. I�ve definitely had questionable moments. I value honesty above all else and I�m a bad liar, so I�m really not much of a cheater. I have been cheated on before in very hurtful ways, ways that I would consider to be abusive now that I look back on it. It�s not the sex part that�s so bad as the betrayal. I could tell you stories and maybe one day I will. It still hurts like a bitch.

6. Does the static notion of a continuos one on one romantic relationship promote personal growth or defeat it?

Again, I don�t know. To be perfectly honest most of the personal growth I have seen from anyone is a result of leaving a relationship as opposed to pursuing it. I know that sounds horrible, and it is. But that�s just what I�ve seen in my life. I�ve heard about/read about people who become better human beings because of a romantic relationship, but I don�t know any of them personally. I think everyone is different. Some people would benefit from the intimacy of a relationship and other people need to learn to be alone. I guess I would say that all relationships are growth opportunities and that I have definitely learned a lot from all of the different relationships I�ve had. However, the learning on my end hasn�t been very pleasurable. That�s probably because I�m neurotic though and don�t have a very good track record and most of the people I know are kind of crazy as well.

7. Does anyone believe in the concept of finding a one true love who is the right person for you? Can there be more than one of these people? What about more than one at the same time? What exactly is a soul mate?

I don�t think there is one true love for anyone. I think you can have many soul mates in different ways at different times, or at the same time. Still, the whole thing confounds me and casues me a great deal of guilt, sorrow and jealousy. I know that�s not particularly eveolved.

8. Is romantic love merely a narcissistic illusion? An elaborate diversion from the business of self-actualization?

Again, I think that it depends on the person. I really think we are all here to learn and many people use romantic relationships as a way to hide freom themselves and from life lessons. Optimally, before chooisng a partner, we would all be self actualized. J Krishnamurti had this to say on the topic and I think it�s probably the best answer I�ve found:

Love is something that is new, fresh, alive. It has no yesterday and no tomorrow. It is beyond the turmoil of thought. It is only the innocent mind which knows what love is, and the innocent mind can live in the world which is not innocent. To find this extraordinary thing which man has sought endlessly through sacrifice, through worship, through relationship, through sex, through every form of pleasure and pain, is only possible when thought comes to understand itself and comes naturally to an end. Then love has no opposite, then love has no conflict. You may ask, 'If I find such a love, what happens to my wife, my children, my family? They must have security.' When you put such a question you have never been outside the field of thought, the field of consciousness. When once you have been outside that field you will never ask such a question because then you will know what love is in which there is no thought and therefore no time. You may read this mesmerized and enchanted, but actually to go beyond thought and time - which means going beyond sorrow - is to be aware that there is a different dimension called love. But you don't know how to come to this extraordinary fount - so what do you do? If you don't know what to do, you do nothing, don't you? Absolutely nothing. Then inwardly you are completely silent. Do you understand what that means? It means that you are not seeking, not wanting, not pursuing; there is no centre at all. Then there is love

Another reall good response to this question was written to me in an email by Anne:

I believe that any relationship can be another step towards self-actualization if you are committed to growing and progressing. I think we're on this earth to connect with eachother and learn from one another for some reason. That's why there are so few hermits. That's why we as a species are not parthenogenics and can't reproduce without the assistance of someone else. That's why most people are tortured by their own specific inability to connect or socialize successfully with others.

9. Can we achieve self-actualization through love?

I used to think so. But now I think that self-actualization comes from the fruition of our own creative potential. And if that potential can somehow be expressed in the context of a love relationship, then great. But I think most people need to go through a period of aloneness in order to be whole.

10. Can you ever really know anyone else in the context of a romantic relationship?

My reason for asking this is that I think a lot of times, when people fall in love with someone and develop an ongoing relationship, they stop seeing who that person really is and instead view him/her as an extension of themselves, or in a very two dimensional way. I think relationships need to constantly be re-evaluated. People change so rapidly. I think a lot of the time we stop really looking at each other and it takes a great deal of awareness to really see who someone is as opposed to how they are fulfilling or not fulfilling your needs.

11. Why do people place labels and/or limits on their sexuality? l(i.e. �I am straight/bi/gay�) Are these labels freeing or constricting? Does anyone believe that individual sexuality is a fluid concept, one that is constantly in flux?

Anne wrote me this response, which I definitely agree with:

I believe people label themselves because they need to subscribe to some group ethic. It

makes many people feel complete to be a part of a tribe. I think these labels are terribly confusing. And damaging. And inadequate. I don't ever want to be defined by one aspect of my personality.

Personally, I don�t feel comfortable putting myself into any of the gay/straight/bi categories. I just don�t really see a need to define my sexuality. I�ve had a variety of different experiences that have all been wonderful in different ways. I do however understand why others choose to categorize their sexuality�especially those people who participate in behavior that is deemed �morally incorrect� by the reigning political climate. I think for a lot of people naming something can be empowering. In my case I find it limiting.

12. Does sex get better the longer you sleep with someone? What is the best sex you have ever had?

I honestly don�t know the answer to this question. The only person I�ve had sex with more than once is John. I do think that the closer and more intimately you crae for someone, the better the sex, though.

13. How many people like roll playing games in bed?

I do. Not all the time, or even very often. But I think it�s wicked fun. I think playing out elaborate fantasies is a blast.

14. Are there people out there who enjoy having sex with someone they don�t like at all?

Personally I think this idea is abhorrent, but I have heard several men say that they enjoy fucking people they don�t respect or like at all. One friend referred to it as �grudge fucking�. I don�t see how anyone could get any enjoyment out of that�why not just masturbate? But if you are someone who likes doing this, please enlighten me as to why.

15. What exactly is �casual sex�?

Casual sex is boring, stupid, and a waste of time. Go jerk off for chrissakes.

16. Why do some people hate masturbation? Why do some people like maturation more than they like having sex with someone else? Why is masturbation such a guilt inducing activity when no one gets hurt? Why are people embarrassed about it?

I think masturbation is a great way to figure out what you like sexually, develop fantasies, release tension, and get to know your own body. I think everyone should do it. However, I don�t understand why some people would rather jerk off to a magazine than have sex with a real person. I�ve been told by a couple people that sexual intimacy is a lot more effort and thus not as pleasurable. I think this belief is a lot more prevalent than people think, because everyone wants to make out like they�re having fabulous sex all the time. But good sex takes work and a lot of people are lazy. In answer to the other part of the question, Anne�s response was interesting and probably correct:

The masturbation stigma is simply the cultural residue of a religious taboo. The church believes that masturbation lessens the desire to have reproductive sex, therefore you waste your seed and create fewer

'followers.'

I think there�s something too about women especially not enjoying sex for sex�s sake and I think the whole Freudian bit about clitoral orgasm being immature or not valid or something still lingers in a weird way.

More later. Please feel free to email/comment. It�s been really enlightening so far...