April 26, 2002 | 11:24 AM

8M) ## Harvard Ave

Somehow, perhaps while I am sleeping off the horrendous day and night of October 28th, 2000, I am split in two. And when I awaken I am simultaneously two very different people�the very best and the very worst of myself. This will be the case for the next eight months.

On the one hand, there is the enraged, bitter, self pitying, surly, increasingly neurotic Anna�she who has been wronged. Wronged by the world. Wronged by The Stupid Company. Wronged by the men who break their promises and her heart over and over again.

She who is a fuck up. A failure. A self loather. She who relishes the role of the victim. She who waits for others to tell her who she is and what she can do.

She who starves herself. She who binges on nutritionless junk. She who drinks herself into blackouts.

She who continuously allows one fucking boy to determine her fate. She who makes decisions based on what he wants and how he feels. She who goes against her own values and perceptions attempting to please this one person who will never, ever love her enough or treat her the way she deserves to be treated.

This Anna gets out of bed and cries for half an hour. This Anna bemoans the loss of the Stupid Company, and of her boyfriend, who is technically not lost, but might as well be.

And then there is the other Anna. The Anna who hasn�t made herself known in a long, long time. She is the Anna who used to climb trees and play soccer. She is the Anna who directed a community production of �Our Town� at the age of 18. She is the Anna who published a chapbook of poetry. She is the Anna who wandered around Paris alone at 16 and dreamed of a marvelous adventurous future filled with romance and books and travelling. She is the Anna who knows herself, knows what she wants from life, and doesn�t give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks.

I had forgotten all about her.

This Anna picks up the phone and dials the Stupid Company. This Anna asks to speak to BigPeter, and when he gets on the line she says confidently,

Hello BigPeter. The purpose of my call is to set up a meeting with you and you alone�I do not wish for Lonnie to be there. I have several issues I would like to discuss with you. When over the next two days is good for you?

BigPeter pauses before answering me. He has probably never heard me sound so...together.

When I get off the phone with him, I am still this forgotten person, this righteous child.

I sit down at the kitchen table and I write the following:

1. I do not want to work overtime

2. I do not want to be yelled at, condescended to, belittled, or faulted for things that I have no control over.

3. I do not want to be responsible for anyone else�s work

4. I do not want to be really good friends with anyone who works there

5. I do not want to have to dress up.

6. I do not want to be made promises that won�t be kept

7. I do not want to work for any organization that is contributing to that which I consider evil in this world�namely exploitation, greed, or bureaucracy.

8. I do not want to work anywhere that has �clients�

9. I do not want a cubicle.

10. I do not want to be bored out of my tree

11. I do not want to be stressed all the time

1. I want to know my work schedule far enough in advance that I can plan my life exactly as I wish.

2. I want to be treated with respect and be told clearly what is expected of me

3. I want to be as autonomous as possible

4. I want to work in a friendly environment with people who are interesting and fun to talk to, but whom I don�t consider my �friends�; I want my work life and personal life to be totally separate.

5. I want to feel comfortable.

6. I want to be kept abreast of what�s going on. I want to feel that I can trust my superiors to be direct with me.

7. I want to work somewhere that is contributing something to the world at large. I want to feel that in some small way I am helping people, and at the very least I am not hurting anyone.

8. I want to work for an organization whose supreme goal is something other than making money.

9. I want my own goddamned office.

10. I want to be somewhat interested in what goes on at work.

11. I want the atmosphere to be relaxed and easygoing.

When I finish writing I am momentarily wracked with doubt. I think to myself, who am I kidding? I don�t have a degree. Who am I to make these kinds of demands? Nobody has a job like that.

And then I kick that thought away just as easily as I used to kick a soccer ball.

Fuck that. I have every right to make these demands. This is what I want from my job. This is what I feel I need from my job. And this is what I deserve. So what if everyone else hates where they work. I don�t have to. I can have any kind of job I want. I just have to try hard and open myself up to the possibility of succeeding. And if I fail, I fail. That�s life.

I read over my lists, and it becomes pretty clear to me that Corporate America is not going to provide me with anything I�m looking for.

Underneath what I have already written, I scribble in red ink.

Because I have no experience looking for a job, I will apply for a lot of positions to gain good interviewing skills and to get a broad sense of what�s out there, but I will only accept a position that is in a non-profit organization, or a university.

I will not deviate from the essence of what it is I am looking for. I will not accept less than what I want and deserve. Even if it takes a year. I am sticking to this goal.

I fold up this piece of paper and put it in my purse. I will carry it around with me for the next eight months.

I put the kettle on to make myself a cup of tea.

Outside my window, the sun shines.

Stay Tuned for Part the Sixty-First...

Turn off your mind, relax and float down stream,

It is not dying, it is not dying

Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void,

It is shining, it is shining.

Yet you may see the meaning of within

It is being, it is being

Love is all and love is everyone

It is knowing, it is knowing

And ignorance and hate mourn the dead

It is believing, it is believing

But listen to the color of your dreams

It is not leaving, it is not leaving

So play the game "Existence" to the end

Of the beginning, of the beginning

Read the SAGA from

THE VERY BEGINNING

time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006

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