April 23, 2002 | 8:54 AM

8H) ## Harvard Ave

It always happens like this.

Like when you decide you want to break up with your boyfriend and you�re OK with the decision. And you�ve planned out what you�re going to say. And then you come home that night, with the speech memorized and just about dripping from your tongue. And on the kitchen table sit a dozen red roses and a heartfelt letter of apology. And he has dinner in the oven. And he tells you how sexy you are and picks you up off your feet and carries you into the bedroom. And he makes you moan like a banshee. And then you forget about all the reasons you were going to break up with him.

And you don�t remember until the next time he does something terrible.

I decide to leave the Stupid Company. I type up my resume. I discreetly ask Collin and Seth if they will be my references. Both agree. I browse sights like monster.com and hotjobs.com. I grow more and more confidant about my decision. I tentatively send out inquiries to a couple of places.

I don�t hear anything right away, but Jenn tells me this is perfectly normal. It took her six months to obtain her current position. She was on her last week of unemployment insurance when she received the offer. And she was sending out twenty-five resumes a week.

The important thing is to not settle for less than what you want and deserve. Only apply to positions that interest you. Only apply to places where you�ll feel challenged in some way�even if it isn�t what you want to do with the rest of your life, you�ll get something positive from the experience besides a paycheck. You don�t want to spend forty hours a week at another place like The Stupid Company.

I press on, cautiously, like a small child learning to swim. I stay in the shallow end. My cover letters are timid, and in hindsight sound like apologies for not being a college graduate.

Still, I am proud of myself. I am making choices. I don�t have to stand by and watch these shenanigans at the Stupid Company. So what if The Stupid Company is The Daddy Figure I Try Desperately To Please. Everybody�s gotta leave home sometime.

Three days after I make my big decision, EvilRene wants to talk to me. I am obviously not important enough to call into her office, so she flounces into mine (or rather the Supervisors� shared office) unannounced, and starts gabbing away.

Initially the purpose of her visit is to indulge in an irrelevant bitch session. She tells me about how busy she is and how hard she works and implies that nothing at The Stupid Company would get done without her.

I nod and smile. I wonder why the hell she�s bothering to explain this to me. I am also thinking about how she leaves every day at 3PM and takes two-hour lunches and usually doesn�t even work on Fridays. How busy can she be?

Then she launches into a speech.

I know that things may seem very up in the air right now. A lot of big changes are taking place and it�s all very confusing. I know it may seem like you aren�t being told what�s happening and maybe you feel shut out.

I am dumbfounded. I have no idea what to say. I nod my head yes.

EvilRene smiles. And it actually looks like a genuine smile.

You have to understand that the company is in a state of flux right now. And things are happening at such a rapid rate that we don�t even know exactly which way the dominos will fall. We�ll have a much better idea after the first of the year.

EvilRene pauses to clear her throat.

I want you to know that you are doing a phenomenal job.

This is a jaw dropping revelation.

No one besides Collin or Seth has ever complimented me on my hard work. I have felt so invisible. So unloved. And now I am finally getting a pat on the head from upper management. It is something I craved for so long and here it is. Acceptance. Praise. Acknowledgement.

But I made a decision, damn�t. One kind word can�t negate all of the abuse. And it certainly won�t bring back all of those interviewer jobs that are going to be cut. I should shrug it off. But I can�t. It�s like when your father never pays attention to you and finally he does. You forget how hurt you were. You live for this moment. You want it and want it and want it.

EvilRene continues.

You probably aren�t told that enough. And I�m sorry. You should know that I always feel like I can count on you to get the job done. And BigPeter feels the same way. He was very impressed with all the census data you collected. We were both impressed at how quickly you compiled it. When I need something done quickly and accurately, you�re the person I go to.

I am blushing and stammering like a schoolgirl with a crush.

Well, um, thanks. Thank you.

EvilRene sits down next to me.

A young company, a growing company like this one, is exactly the right place for you to be. You can go as far as you want here, and I want you to know that you are noticed. And as Vice President of Operations, I am wholly committed to promoting people from within.

My vanity has been stroked, my feathers smoothed. I am smiling despite myself. I am ignoring the angel on my shoulder, the one who says,

Now now Anna. EvilRene is a lying viper. She is a scheming, ladder climbing corporate whore and she�s never done anything positive for anyone here. Don�t believe a word she says. Besides, even if she is being honest, that doesn�t change the fact that other people, good hardworking people who you care about, will be put out of work by her and her cronies. Nod and smile and get the fuck out of here as soon as you can.

I am listening instead to the devil on my other shoulder. Who isn�t so much of a devil really, as a codependent, needy little child. The little girl who never got enough attention from her dead father and could never be thin enough for her demanding mother. The fourteen-year-old kid who craved one kind word from her abusive stepdad. The naive misguided fool who derives self worth from the compliments and praise of those she sees as being better than she is, and from any and all authority figures. The girl that hides behind her liberal politics and pop culture references. The girl who pretends to be a rebel but is really just as much of a greedy little coward as the two bit moneygrubbers she supposedly disdains. The pleaser who just can�t make up her god damned mind.

The pathetic little devil whispers in my ear.

She isn�t so bad really. And she likes you. And maybe if you just work a little bit harder, everyone will like you here. And then you�ll feel safe. And you�ll never have to worry about poverty and homelessness again.

I take a deep breath.

I appreciate everything you�ve just told me. It definitely alleviates some of the concerns I had.

EvilRene pats me on the shoulder.

Well I�m glad. I�m a firm believer that people should be told when they�re doing well. Keep it up.

EvilRene winks at me and turns to leave. Right before she exits my office, she looks over her shoulder.

Oh by the way, you know Project TM34? Well I want you to call all of the subjects who said they�d participate and confirm with them they they�re still coming, and make sure they all know how to get to the hotel.

Sure. When would you like me to do that?

You can call them from your apartment over the weekend. Just make sure you get in touch with all of them.

Before I can reply, she walks out the door.

I roll my eyes. Great. It�s Friday afternoon and I actually had plans for the upcoming weekend. Now instead I�ll be chained to my apartment harassing people from my own fucking home.

As the saying goes,

Welcome to the Hotel Stupid Company. You can check out any time you like. But you can never leave.

That night I have drinks with John and Lynn. I discuss with them today�s astounding events.

John seems impressed.

That would be awesome if you got a promotion. Hey, if you made a lot more money than me would you pay more rent on the apartment?

Lynn rolls her eyes.

I wouldn�t trust a fucking thing she said. That woman is such a goddamned liar. They all are. She�s probably trying to get on your good side so she can mount some coop or something.

I nod.

Oh I know. I�m not changing my mind about leaving. But it felt really good to hear her say nice things about me.

And it did. Which is why what happens the following Monday hurts so very very much.

Stay Tuned For Part The Fifty-Sixth...

It's all a matter of soul and fire

Infatuation or true desire

The thrill of discovery, divine intervention

Cruel, cruel change, pain of rejection

As you walk away, think of all the joy we shared

If you decide you need me, I'll be wondering if I care

Not there to soothe your soul, friend to tender friend

I think our love is coming to an end

King persuader, congratulations

Share her heart, you bought her soul

Princess confusion, come to me again

Saying goodbye was so much fun

When you walk away, feel the freedom in your heart

There's a joy in letting go, free to find a love apart

When I lose control, I need a kind, forgiving friend

But I think our love is coming to an end

I know our love is coming to an end

Read the SAGA from

THE VERY BEGINNING

time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006

Before After