April 22, 2002 | 10:30 AM

8G) ## Harvard Ave

That night I leave work early and I walk all the way home.

My new heft slows me and normally I would feel awkward and inhibited. But rage races though my veins like wildfire. I scarcely notice how out of shape I am.

It is dark and starless on Commonwealth Avenue, the night sky lit by neon marquees blazing outside college bars and iridescent street lamps, and �Don�t Walk� signs blinking like blood shot eyes.

Don�t walk. Stay put. Shut up. Swallow your pain. Suck it up.

Each of these phrases are blisters in my heart They fester and pop leaving behind the milky sting of rancid bitterness.

How could they do this to us? How could The Stupid Company have gone so wrong? How did I let myself get so involved? How did I become so fucking... complacent?

It starts to rain. Hard. Like cold and clumsy fingers drumming my flesh. I want to take off my shirt and my bra and my skirt and my shoes and let the downpour wash the hurt away. I want to be young and new again. I want to be 18 years old and going to college with my whole life ahead of me. I want to go back in time and erase the mistakes and the craziness and the desperation and the betrayal.

The worst thing is, I have betrayed myself�in a manner more insidious and harmful than anyone else could ever have done so.

I want to be me again. What happened to that person? Where did she go?

When I get home, Jenn is sitting at the kitchen table filling out a crossword puzzle.

I am drenched and on the verge of crying.

She makes me a cup of tea and I tell her the whole gruesome story. About the phone room being cut and the break room being taken away. About the inane evaluations I have to do. About Angus trying to save people�s jobs. About Lynn�s �raise�, and EvilRene�s inferences.

Jenn�s eyes are compassionate. When I finish talking, there is silence. She looks at me thoughtfully. She says,

It sounds like you�re miserable. And you have been for a long time.

I nod, tears sliding down my face. Jenn continues.

I haven�t heard you say one good word about that place in at least a year. It�s killing you to be there.

I take a deep breath.

The thing is, I don�t know what the hell else to do with myself. I never graduated college, for one. And what skills do I really have? I can�t picture anyone hiring me...

Jenn screws up her face and shakes her head no.

So what if you didn�t graduate college? Who cares? There are tons of successful people who haven�t graduated from college. Anna, you are brilliant and you have an enormous will. You have persevered where other people would have just thrown in the towel and gone back to Rochester NY. You completely underestimate yourself.

I am rocking back and forth in my seat�a nervous habit left over from childhood, and fidgeting with my skirt.

I don�t even know where to start. I wouldn�t even know where to apply. How do people go about even applying for real jobs? All I know is the Stupid Company. And I don�t want to move to a job that�s exactly like the Stupid Company. I want to do something else. But the thing is, I�m a coward and I can�t deal with going back to being totally broke, so working at like, a record store or something is out. Plus, I need health insurance right now, because of the whole, �you�re going to die it you don�t get on thyroid medication and fix your diet� situation.

Jenn is adamant.

Anna. There is no reason that you can�t get like an office assistant or research assistant or marketing assistant type position at like, a college or a non-profit or a publishing house�somewhere cool where there are interesting people. First of all, you�re a published writer. Secondly, you have supervisory experience. And you were promoted and so forth. And you can make the Stupid Company sound really good on paper. You just can�t take no for an answer.

I am skeptical. Who the hell would ever hire me? I�m fat and nobody loves me and I�ve made an awful awful mess of my life.

Really? You think I can do better than The Stupid Company?

Jenn rolls her eyes.

O my god Anna! The Stupid Company isn�t fit to lick your fucking boots. Can�t you see who you are? I wish you could look at yourself and see the person that I see.

I have to bite my lip to keep from crying again. Jenn leans in across the table.

You can do whatever you want with your life. You just have to see that. At least look around. See what else is out there. Type up a resume. Think about the kind of environment in which you�d want to spend forty hours a week. Think about what you want out of them�what can they do for you. Personally, I think you should go back to school.

I stare at the floor.

I can�t right now. Not full time anyway. My last semester grades from college were horrible. Nobody would admit me now without some proof that I�m not retarded.

Jenn sighs.

Then maybe you can work somewhere that provides you with tuition assistance like BU or Harvard.

I look up.

Really?

Jenn smiles.

Yes, really. Anna, this isn�t just about jobs. This is about everything. You have to stop selling yourself short. You have to realize that you have control over your life. That you can do anything you want. You don�t have to cow tow to anyone. You don�t have to follow John around like a puppy hoping that he�ll treat you the way you want to be treated. You don�t have to take shit from The Stupid Company. You have to demand the respect you deserve. And if people don�t give it to you, then they aren�t worth your time.

I stare at her.

Anna, you have greatness in you. You just have to find it.

But what if I can�t find it?

Then pretend you do, and act the way a person you would imagine to have greatness inside of her would act. Would a person with greatness stay at the Stupid Company when they are pursuing policies that are totally out of line with her values? Would a person with greatness piss and moan over how nobody loves her and how unfair things are and then not do anything to improve her own situation?

I shrug and say meekly,

No. I know I do that and I�m sorry.

Quit being sorry for fuck�s sake. Quit being sorry and show some of that courage you�re supposed to be known for. Bare your teeth and growl. Get on the stick and get the fuck out of there.

I am suddenly possessed by the rightness of everything Jenn has just said.

You�re right. I keep thinking I owe The Stupid Company for promoting me when I was down and out. It�s like I credit them for all of my success and the fact that I�m no longer dirt poor. I�ve been feeling like they are letting me have this job out of the kindness of their hearts, that they are allowing me to live a �normal� life, and that they could take it away in one instant. And that�s bullshit. They�re bullshit. Fuck them.

Jenn gets up to put on another pot of tea.

That sounds more like it.

I pick up my bag and walk towards the bedroom.

Jenn calls after me.

What are you going to do now?

I�m gonna type up my resume for the first time ever. And I�m gonna see what else is out there.

Stay Tuned For Part The Fifty-Fifth...

Whenever I feel afraid

I hold my head erect

And whistle a happy tune

So no one will suspect

I'm afraid

While shivering in my shoes

I strike a careless pose

And whistle a happy tune

And no one ever knows I'm afraid

The result of this deception

Is very strange to tell

For when I fool the people I fear

I fool myself as well

I whistle a happy tune

And ev'ry single time

The happiness in the tune

Convinces me that I'm not afraid

Make believe you're brave

And the trick will take you far

You may be as brave

As you make believe you are

You are just as brave as you make believe you are

Read the SAGA from

THE VERY BEGINNING

time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006

Before After