April 21, 2002 | 6:47 PM

8F) ## Harvard Ave

Well Lance, your productivity is above average. But your punctuality could use improvement. We only have fifteen positions to offer people, and if you want to be one of those people, you�re going to have to come in on time.

So go the nightly interviewer evaluation sessions. See, in order to be �fair�, we have to let people know where their weaknesses lie. We have to give them a chance to improve themselves. In keeping with The Stupid Company�s policy of Social Darwinism, we wanna see the little bastards fight it out to the death.

During each of these sessions I feel sick to my stomach. I am a cog in a vast evil machine. I, Micheal Moore worshiper, Green Party member, and Supporter of the AFL/CIO and the ACLU, am helping to eliminate people�s jobs.

I am a traitor to my own beliefs and values. I have no spine. I wait in horror of the day when I will actually have to give people their walking papers.

Gee Sandy, I�m sorry. I know that you�re mentally ill and that this is the only job you are able to do, and that doing it gives you a sense of pride and routine. But you just don�t make as many phone calls as Juan, so I�m going to eliminate your $8.00/hour position. Happy job hunting.

I�ve fired people before for being jackasses. For falsifying information or harassing another employee, and it always sucks. However, doing so is ethically justifiable as actions do have consequences and there are only so many chances you can give people before you have to give up on them.

But this. This is a different story. This is stripping people of their incomes so that The Stupid Company can make just a little bit more money than they already are making. This is not right. This is everything that is wrong with corporate America. This is the face of blatant greed.

How can I sit here in this glass office (to be bulldozed to oblivion in the next few weeks) all high and mighty, generating an atmosphere of terror and ruthlessness?

The irony is that interviewers begin leaving of their own accord. Timothy, a college student and one of our best people walks in one day and gives his notice.

Timothy, why are you leaving? I thought you liked it here.

Yeah, I did. But I just can�t stand what�s going on right now. I can�t stand this competition. I don�t wanna feel like I have to compete for a job I already have. That sucks.

My heart breaks at words like these. But although I bitch about the matter bitterly to Collin and Seth, I keep a modicum of restraint; I refrain from marching into LonnieMcMormon�s office and telling him to shove the extra few thousand dollars he�ll glean from this experiment up his tight little asshole.

Angus, on the other hand, who along with Seth has basically saved the phone room from total oblivion, does not take the matter lying down.

Angus has a meeting with BigPeter. Angus suggests that The Stupid Company hold resume writing workshops to help the displaced interviewers, and that perhaps calls should be made on their behalf to other marketing research firms in order to procure them new positions.

BigPeter�s retort to Angus�s petition for fairness is,

That�s not my responsibility.

Oh. Oh of course not. I forgot. The corporation has no responsibility to its workers. The corporation has no loyalty to the workers. But the workers bare ultimate responsibility and must profess loyalty at any cost to their own physical or emotional welfare.

Hey, they can leave any time right? They don�t have to work there. If they don�t like it, why don�t they just work somewhere else?

Gee, you mean the under-educated ranks of America�s poor have a choice as to which shitty place they can collect a paycheck from? Well good golly, that means we�re one rung above serfdom on the ladder to success! That�s cause for celebration!

Around this time, Lynn comes up for her probationary review. She has been a Research Analyst for three months. LonnieMcMormon had promised her that within three months her salary would be raised from $12/hour to somewhere between 33,000 and 37,000 per year.

EvilRene is Lynn�s direct boss and is in charge of conducting her review.

Well Lynn, you�ve done an excellent job so far and you�ve caught on very quickly. Your stats background has been invaluable, and we�re really hoping you can step into doing some SASS programming for us as well. We have decided to give you a raise to $28,000/year.

Lynn sits across from EvilRene, dumbstruck. Did she just say $28,000/year? Isn�t that $5,000 less than the minimum LonnieMcMormon promised?

Um, $28,000 a year?

Yes. Congratulations you deserve it.

I don�t know exactly how to bring this up, but when Lonnie offered me this position, he said I should expect at the least $33,000 and at the most $37,000. Am I doing so poorly that the minimum has been downgraded?

EvilRene is taken aback and promises to check on the situation.

Later that day she calls Lynn back into her office.

I apologize on Lonnie�s behalf. There must have been some miscommunication between Lonnie and BigPeter. Lonnie was never authorized to promise that amount. The raise to $28,000 stands.

Lynn is dumbfounded.

Do you realize that if I had stayed in the phone room I would be making more money than I�ll be making at my current position which is supposed to be a promotion?

EvilRene leans back in her seat and picks at her nails.

Well it wasn�t so much of a promotion as if was a lateral move.

Lynn is fuming.

That�s not what I was told.

EvilRene looks up from her nail picking and rests her elbows on the table.

Look at it this way. If you hadn�t been prom� transferred to another department, you might not have a job now.

Lynn�s jaw drops.

Excuse me?

EvilRene rolls her eyes.

The phone room is being cut by 75%. We aren�t going to need a million supervisors back there supervising.

Are you saying that the Supervisors are going to be cut too?

Silence.

EvilRene is suddenly uncomfortable.

I didn�t say anything like that. We�re not talking about anyone else. We�re talking about you.

But you just said�

I said nothing.

Lynn and EvilRene stare each other down like two cats ready to pounce.

Finally, Lynn speaks. She is all business.

In any case. $28,000 is far below the market value for a SASS Programmer�even one just starting out. Many of my friends who�ve graduated are making fifty, sixty thousand a year.

EvilRene smirks.

Accoridng to my research you�re being paid exactly what you�re worth.

Well good. When I leave, you�ll be able to fill the position very easily.

Lynn gets up to leave and EvilRene�s mouth droops somewhat.

After her meeting, Lynn powerwalks to the phone room. Her usually dewy complexion is bright red, and her bow lips are scrunched in a scowl. I look up at her questioningly.

Anna, it�s time for a smoke break now.

She turns on her heel and exits the room. I follow after her.

When we get downstairs, she lights a Marlboro and inhales furiously for several seconds before speaking.

I think they�re cutting phone room supervisor jobs?

I look at her incredulously.

But that�s not possible. BigPeter assured Collin�

Lynn interrupts me.

Why would BigPeter tell Collin anything about this? I swear plots are being hatched. It�s like the fucking KGB up there or something.

My fingers go numb and my lips tremble.

But we�ve worked so hard. All the weekends. All the promises�

My voice trails off.

I am hit suddenly with an anger so intense it almost knocks me to the sidewalk.

Those mutherfucking cocksuckers.

Lynn nods.

I say we both get the hell out of here as quickly as we possibly can. This place is ugly and I feel dirty being here.

I nod.

I go back inside to finish my shift.

Stay Tuned For Part the Fifty-Fourth�

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack

And you may find yourself in another part of the world

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife

And you may ask yourself-Well...How did I get here?

Letting the days go by

let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by

water flowing underground

Into the blue again

after the money's gone

Once in a lifetime

water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself

How do I work this?

And you may ask yourself

Where is that large automobile?

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful house!

And you may tell yourself

This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/

et the water hold me down

Letting the days go by

water flowing underground

Into the blue again

after the money's gone

Once in a lifetime

water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Water dissolving...and water removing

There is water at the bottom of the ocean

Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean

Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

Letting the days go by

let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by

water flowing underground

Into the blue again

in the silent water

Under the rocks and stones

there is water underground.

Letting the days go by

let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by

water flowing underground

Into the blue again

after the money's gone

Once in a lifetime

water flowing underground.

And you may ask yourself

What is that beautiful house?

And you may ask yourself

Where does that highway go?

And you may ask yourself

Am I right?...Am I wrong?

And you may tell yourself

MY GOD!...WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Letting the days go by

let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by

water flowing underground

Into the blue again

in the silent water

Under the rocks and stones

there is water underground.

Letting the days go by

let the water hold me down

Letting the days go by

water flowing underground

Into the blue again

after the money's gone

Once in a lifetime

water flowing underground.

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Same as it ever was...Same as it ever was...

Read the SAGA from

THE VERY BEGINNING

time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006

Before After