April 15, 2002 | 11:01 AM

Do not expect a SAGA entry from me today. I am unable to concentrate on anything remotely artistic. This entry is just a follow up on my last entry, and it is as annoying and whiny as that one was, so feel free to skip it.

It has only been 48 hours since I�ve had any sugar/carbohydrate in my system and I am going through serious withdrawal. I don�t know how heroin addicts kick junk because this is hard enough.

I have the shakes. I have the chills. I have massive stomach problems (you don�t wanna know). I feel like crying. I have a headache. AND I WANT SOME FUCKING CANDY OR A BAGEL GOD DAMN�T!!!!

Anyone who says that sugar is not a drug is LYING.

Um... can I be excused from work today as I�m a SUGAR ADDICT and am trying to kick my drug of choice?

I have gone through shit like this so many times and I always feel really sorry for myself. My 19 year old sister is five feet eight and weighs 130 lbs. She eats like a horse. My 17 year old brother is the same way and so is my little 10 year old sister.

I know there is far greater suffering in the world than my stupid problems. I know some people would give their teeth to trade my problems with theirs. When it comes down to it, my life hasn�t really been all that difficult compared with 90% of the rest of the world.

But...

IT MAKES ME SO MAD THAT I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES WITH FOOD/WEIGHT/MY HEALTH. I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT IT THAT I COULD FLY INTO A RAGE RIGHT NOW AND JUST START BREAKING THINGS IN MY NICE YUPPIE OFFICE.

I just wish I didn�t have to THINK about weight or food at all.

Having these problems also doesn�t fit in with my image of myself. I can imagine so clearly how I would look slim, and I can imagine how it would feel to walk five miles unencumbered by extra flab, swinging my long lanky limbs, wearing a short little skirt and a tank top.

My feet wouldn�t hurt. My back wouldn�t hurt. I wouldn�t be out of breath. And vein little vixen that I am, I�d be thinking to myself,

I look so cute today!

In and of itself, I have minimal problems with my body. My body is well proportioned and I like how it feels. I like what it can do. I like my overall shape. And I really like my face a lot. I always have. I just HATE all of the extra blubber that fucks everything up and obscures me from the world.

I�m not one of those fashionista Nazis who wants to be pencil thin either. I like curves and soft bellies and beautifully rounded arses. I find the clothes hanger look represented by Madison Avenue to be aesthetically displeasing�I honestly don�t buy into the bullshit. No tits? No ass? Straight up and down? Five feet ten and 105 lbs? Yech! Who decided that was attractive? Why would someone want to look like a cross between a robot, an alien, and a holocaust victim?

I think Kate Winslett is exquisitely apple cheeked and healthy looking. She is classically gorgeous and displays a great deal ofd strength and vitality. Marilyn Monroe was a goddess. I thought Renne Zellwegger looked outstanding in Brigette Jones� Diary when she had put on an extra 30 lbs. Now after losing all that weight plus more, she looks like hell.

I would be thrilled to be a size 10 or 12. The sad irony is everyone wants to be thinner than they are. Size eight actresses think they are atrociously huge and bully themselves down to a size two. Size two models throw up everything they eat in hopes of being a zero. When did this sick shit begin and why? Why do we put ourselves through this?

What really sucks is that I am like, a fat anorexic. I obsess about food. I deny myself food. I go on crazed starvation diets. I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds in my life. It�s a compulsion and I can�t stop myself from doing it. It was ingrained in me at a very early age. The first time I stopped eating was at the age of 8. I didn�t eat for two days and I passed out in class. My dad picked me up from school and yelled at me.

Do you know who Karen Carpenter is? Do you know what happened to her? Do you want that to happen to you?

This entry is so whiny. And shallow. I always get pissed when I read those pro-anorexic diaries or sights about people obsessed with how they look. I mean, fucking do something more valuable with your time. Volunteer at a hospital or take a class. Sheesh. But I still do the same stupid shit as all the people I am irritated by.

Yes, I have some issues and I have a disease�well several, really (inactive thyroid, PCO, bulimia, anorectic tendencies, chronic depression etc.) But it�s all transcendable. I mean all I have to do is give up all of my vices�no sugar, no fat, and no alcohol. (ergh...) and exercise. Then I will be able to take long walks with my boyfriend without becoming exhausted, and I can wear short skirts, and maybe live a few years longer than I otherwise would have.

Easier said than done.

But as of right now, I am on the health wagon.