April 14, 2002 | 7:32 PM

Grrr�

Worst day ever. In all ways completely my fault. Started off really well and then just went to shit.

Morning: Go out to breakfast with John and Jenn. Smoke pot and crayon pictures with John. All goes well.

Afternoon: John and I leave the apartment to walk to the Cambridge Side Galleria Mall from Kenmore Square. I wear old sandals that are almost worn all the way down and the straps are falling off. I am also really out of shape right now. I swear it takes nothing for me to go from being reasonably fine to totally physically fucked up. One month ago I was working out every other day, eating pretty well, drinking occasionally. Over the past four weeks I stopped working out, drank much more heavily, and ate lots of junk food. In that span of time I have gained ten pounds and am now a doughy disgusting out of shape mess. Being stoned doesn�t help this situation either. The net result is that on this walk I am trailing behind John� out of breath, my feet blistering, exhausted, and feeling like a total loser because I HATE BEING WEAK AND I AM SO WEAK RIGHT NOW�in all ways. I had gotten myself so in hand and I let it go to shit.

Thing is, some people can get away with drinking a lot and smoking a lot and eating badly and still be pretty functional, but I am not one of those people. If I fall off the health wagon, I am not OK. The thyroid disease and the PCO don�t allow me to treat my body badly without it really blowing up in my face. And the fact that I was bulimic and anorexic in the past and now have gotten so heavy has really thrown my system totally out of whack. This was made hugely apparent today.

And then I was filled with anxiety because I wasn�t measuring up and being so slow and out of sync and John was being nice and patient but I know he was annoyed. Which he had every right to be. It�s no fun just waiting for someone to catch up. I felt like an old lady and I remembered back to high school when I ran five miles a day. And I just wanted to fucking cry because I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

Boo hoo.

So we finally get to the Cambridge Side Galleria and I have a gift certificate to Layne Bryant. I buy some pajamas�really cute light cotton ones with strawberries on them for Spring. Afterward John and I go to the food court and I get a Diet Coke (nothin� like realizing what a disgusting fat mess you are to put you off your appetite) and John gets Burger King food. Afterwards we go upstairs to Foot Locker and I realize I don�t have my Layne Bryant Bag. I rush downstairs to where we were sitting, and it�s gone. We go to customer service/lost and found, and it isn�t there.

I have lost my fucking pajamas like five seconds after buying them.

At this point John looks really irritated. But he�s trying to hide it. He is trying to be nice and supportive but I can read him like a book and I know he�s thinking,

God, why is my girl friend such a fat psychotic mess? Why is she so slow and out of synch and loses everything she buys within five minutes? Nobody else I hang out with has this problem. I wish I was with C. (from work) or Shana or Halle or some other cute, thin, normal girl.

And right in the middle of the mall (the fucking mall! The suckiest shittiest place on earth! I have no idea why I even thought going there would be fun!) I want to start crying and I have to bite my lip to keep myself from totally falling apart.

It is the most embarrassing thing in the whole god damned world.

John decides from this point he is going to go on a walk to Harvard Square. He asks if I�d like to come. I say no I�m just going to catch cab.

He says,

Why don�t you take the T?

And I say,

Because I didn�t bring a book or music with me and it�ll be long and boring �cause it�s Sunday and nothing comes on time.

John says,

Oh. Well I�ll go home with you then. I�ll keep you company.

Really I just want to get home as quickly as possible because I feel so sad and disgusted at myself. I convince him not to worry about it, and I get a taxi (something I rarely do.)

And now here I am in my apartment, feeling like a total retard.

That�s it.

No more drinking.

Back to the fucking gym every day.

No more wasting time mooning over irrelvant idiot problems.

No more junk food.

Only lean protein and vegetables.

It�s time to get strong again and stop being such a freak.