April 14, 2002 | 9:53 AM

Last night I took some Salvia Sage Goddess Emerald Essence. And I blew a little pot. And I sat in my kitchen listening to Yo La Tengo and just meditating.

I could feel all of the weight I�ve gained over the past two years, and I could feel it as a separate entity from myself�as though I was wearing a fat suit. And I could see all of this weight as the sadness I have tried to stuff back into my body and not let out, and here it is clinging to me like quicksand, pulling me down.

And I recognized how I feel when I eat when I�m not hungry and drink when I�m sad. I could picture what those feelings looked like and I now that I�ve recognized them, I think I can deal with them in other ways. I think I am somehow working through everything�all the realizations, by writing this whole SAGA down and sorting through everything. I feel good.

When I woke up today I felt a lot more at peace about everything. I think things are going to be ok.

In other news, I had the absolute greatest sex I have ever had in my entire life yesterday night. I mean hands down the best sex EVER. It was after I�d come down from the salvia and was finished meditating. I felt really relaxed and clear and I think John did too. It was as though we were looking at each other without all of the pre-conceived notions we�ve built up over the past six years. It was so NEW feeling. I responded in ways I have never responded to him before and he did the same.

I wish I could be more eloqent right now. I wish I could tell you the story of what it was like to make love to him yesterday in some linear, albeit poetically phrased manner, because it was one hell of an amazing experience. But I tend to do a better job of writing about experiences once I let them cook in my brain for a few months. Then they are ready to be taken out of the oven and eaten�with a little salt of course.