April 16, 2002 | 11:12 AM

8C) ## Harvard Ave

The air is popping and buzzing and sizzling at The Stupid Company.

Shit is going down. Waydowntown, if you know what I mean.

In the late Summer/ early Fall of 2000 there are several personnel shifts. Stupid Company upper management moves us peons around like pawns on a chessboard.

As Collin was before him, Seth is promoted from head of the phone room to a Project Manager position. He is told by Stupid Company Founder, President, and Ultimate Cheapskate BigPeter, that this is a �lateral move�, and thus not to expect any sort of a monetary raise right away. Seth is told that if he works really really hard and proves himself, �good things� will happen to him.

Eventually.

I cry my eyes out when Seth leaves our department. He is my dear friend and spending otherwise chaotic mornings discussing global politics and literature with him is what makes working at the Stupid Company bearable. I feel safe and comfortable with Seth in charge. He is always responsible and on top of things. He covers his own ass and the asses of the rest of us supervisors. I can�t imagine anyone else being able to pull off the job as well as Seth.

Especially not Angus.

In the wake of Seth�s �lateral transfer�, Angus is promoted to Seth�s former position as grand monarch and absolute ruler of the phone room.

Angus is not provided with any additional compensation either. He is given the same spiel as Seth about �lateral moves� and �proving himself��which when you think about it is a fallacious argument�if it�s a lateral move as opposed to a promotion, then why would he need to prove himself more worthy than he already is?

It is pretty obvious from the get-go that Angus isn�t cut out out for the position, which is in all fairness, highly demanding.

Angus is a lovely, honorable, and loyal soul. But he is not good management. He loses documents and forgets to pass along important information. He makes straightforward tasks more difficult than necessary by creating complex procedures that no one can follow. He argues over picky-uni details and doesn�t know when to keep his mouth shut around his superiors.

He is disliked by Interviewers for being too hard on them and imposing too many rules. But ironically, behind the scenes and unbeknownst to them, he is a tireless advocate for their welfare. In meetings Angus fights to provide interviewers with more benefits, higher wages, and better job security.

Needless to say, this goes over like a lead balloon with upper management.

The third personnel shift concerns Lynn, who up to this point has been working as a phone room supervisor. Lynn is finishing up her last couple of college courses. In a few months she will graduate from a prestigious university with a degree is Statistics.

Lonnie McMormon becomes aware of Lynn�s untapped talent for zeros and ones, and promptly moves her out of the phone room and into a Research Analyst position.

Now, being a Research Analyst is a real job. You have to have mad props and skills and magical powers with numbers. You have to know what X equals. You have to know definitions of words like �qualitative� and �quantitative�. You have know your way around the codes and riddles of the Info!Zero!Une! CATI SPSS computer program. Research Analysis isn�t something you can fake or fudge. It�s not a position that can be filled by any idiot drone. Which is why historically, it�s a lucrative job.

At most companies, anyway.

On Salary.com, the mean salary listed for a low level (i.e. just starting out) Research Analyst in Boston MA is $50,372 per year. Less than 25% of people working as low level Research Analysts in Boston make below $44,334 annually.

When Lynn is �promoted� to Research Analyst, she is making $12/hour.

That�s $24,960 per year.

For crimminy�s sake�you might as well serve lattes for a living and not deal with all the bullshit.

LonnieMcMormon sits down with Lynn and tells her what a bright future she has at The Stupid Company. He tells her that she is too inexperienced at this point to warrant any kind of a raise, but after a couple of months, he will increase her salary to somewhere between $33,000/year and $39,000/year�depending of course on how well she does.

LonnieMcMormon also tells Lynn that she should feel very lucky to have this position, as technically she hasn�t graduated from college yet, and The Stupid Company has a policy about only hiring college graduates for these sorts of positions.

Funny thing is, LonnieMcMormon never graduated from college. And he�s Vice President. And he�s making over $150,000 a year.

How terribly Machiavellian of him.

The Stupid Company�s raison d�etre is to squeeze the highest level of productivity out of its workers for as little money as possible. Of course, every corporation is like that to an extent. But never have I seen an organization take the �carrot on the stick� philosophy of employee relations to such fantastic extremes. Promises are made endlessly and never followed through upon.

And none of us is experienced enough or ballsy enough to demand what we are worth. We are like the 15 year old virgin who accepts the quarterback�s explanation that if she blows him now, he�ll respect her in the morning.

All of these personnel shifts, and the endless propaganda wafting down from the offices of Upper Management lead everyone to believe (despite the lack of actual monetary rewards) that things are looking really good for all of us. It is just a matter of time before we reap the benefits of our hard work.

We are in fact told the company is doing so well and has taken on so many new clients, that we need to expand both the Data Collection department (aka The Phone Room) and The Data Analysis Department. We need to hire tons more Interviewers, and we also need to hire some more analysts.

Trouble is, we are at full capacity right now in terms of space. There is absolutely no room for anyone else. All of the offices and cubicles are filled.

How can this problem be solved?

Unbeknownst to all of us, LonnieMcMormon has a secret sinister plan.

Betwixt and between barking orders, conniving, cajoling, and bribing, LonnieMcMormon hunkers down at his desk and schemes away. He will trim the Stupid Company until it is as lean as a cyborg. He will catapult the Stupid Company from Mom and Pop firm to the ultimate Evil Marketing Research Empire.

His diabolical smarminess and eager beaver black magic bring to mind an absurd co-mingling of Peter Lorre and Darth Vader.

Soon, the transformation will be complete.

The Stupid Company is one step away from converting entirely over to the dark side of the force.

Stay Tuned for Part the Fifty-First...

Under blue moon I saw you

so soon you'll take me

up in your arms

too late to beg you

or cancel it though

I know it must be the

killing time

unwillingly mine

Fate up against your will

through the thick and thin

he will wait until

you give yourself to him

In starlit nights I saw you

so cruelly you kissed me

your lips a magic world

your sky all hung with jewels

the killing moon

will come too soon

Fate up against your will

through the thick and thin

he will wait until

you give yourself to him

Read The Saga from

THE VERY BEGINNING

time capsule from heaven - Sunday, Aug. 21, 2011
31 - Saturday, Mar. 15, 2008
Dead/Alive - Monday, Mar. 10, 2008
Do not trustTIAA-CREF-- they are fucking their customers - Friday, Jul. 28, 2006
Shilling - Tuesday, Jul. 11, 2006

Before After