February 19, 2002 | 11:32 AM

7E) ### Thurston Street

John graduates with a B.F.A. in June of 1999. He tearfully moves from the teeny closet sized dorm room on Beacon�his last as a student-- to a spacious double across the common in the skyscraper dorm. He has the double all to himself. It will be his last summer working Summer Conference. It will be his last dorm room.

In September he will move in with me to the Thurston Street apartment� well, with me and our two as yet unnamed roommates, of course.

We jazz up the new dorm room real nice with arty posters and an abandoned couch. We push the twin-sized beds together.

We are in love in love in love.

There is a girl named Laurie Washington from one of John�s creative writing classes who becomes a good friend of ours. She is drop dead gorgeous in this Clara Bow meets Marilyn Monroe sort of way. She has a little baby girl voice and a giant brain. She tells entertaining stories about her Bridge champion parents and about stalking Beck Hanson. She works at a chain restaurant, which is the bane of her existence. She has graduated from college with great promise and like John is thinking about grad school. She spends hours and hours in John�s dorm room. I like her immensely and I am also jealous of her. I am always jealous of John�s female friends. Why? Because in the past he fucked them all. And though he has changed, my suspiciousness has not.

This summer John and I write songs in earnest. He purchases a four-track and we record. We make a demo tape. We send the demo tape to different clubs and lo and behold we get gigs. We perform on radio shows. We really and truly are pretty damned good. We are a sort of Elliot Smith meets Janis Joplin meets Belle and Sebastian kind of thing.

We have our very own rock project. Just like that.

I had gained Coolness in the past year after having been somewhat of a pariah during the Homeless Freak Out Escapade, but suddenly John and I are Really Really Cool. And everyone wants to be around us. I have more acquaintances than I can contain in an address book.

I am loving it.

Our first show is at a bar downstairs from a very famous theater. Everyone we know comes to see us, as well as a lot of people who don�t know us. I am so nervous that beforehand I throw up. I wear a sheer silver tank top and long black skirt with ridiculous kitchy green eye makeup. John wears jeans and vans.

I am terrified that we will flop.

Although we have tons of original material, we start off the set with a cover of Weezer�s "Jamie". I look out into the audience and people are listening intently. The same expression washes over everyone�s faces. The expression says, "Oh wow�they actually are good."

We play for over three hours. We get standing ovations, whistles, free drinks. The next day people throw themselves at my feet. It is a strange and wonderful feeling.

This is the first of many shows we do that summer.

We play all over Boston. We play at CB�s in New York. I am treated to cocaine in nightclub bathrooms. It is a wild ride. In my ultimate arrogant naivete, fame seems imminent.

After one of our shows Laurie and Angus accompany John and I to Charlie Flynn�s for some cheap beer. John and Angus have a discussion about science fiction and Laurie and I talk about John and Angus.

I tell her how much I like her and how glad I am that she is friends with us. I tell her that I can�t help feeling jealous of her relationship with John because of the way he behaved in the past with his other friends who are girls. I tell her that if she gets a jealous vibe from me not to take it personally�that it is something I am trying to work on.

She tells me she understands and that she is so glad we are all friends. She tells me she cares deeply for John but not in a romantic way.

Then we talk about Angus.

I tell Laurie all about my past history with Angus, and I tell her about how I cannot resolve my feelings for him. I also tell her that Angus thinks she is gorgeous and really likes her (which is true�he had told me that a couple days before when we had all met for dinner.) I tell her that I think so much of the both of them and it would be great to see them get together.

And I really and actually do mean this when I say it.

She is intrigued.

When we leave Charlie Flynn�s, John, Angus, Laurie, and I are absolutely positively beyond intoxicated. Neither Laurie nor Angus is capable of getting home, so all four of us retire to John�s dorm room.

John promptly passes out on the bed.

I pull out the fold out couch for Angus and Laurie. I really do want them to hook up, but simultaneously and all of a sudden, I don�t want them to at all.

All three of us wind up laying down on the couch/bed, me sanwiched in between Laurie and Angus. I am so drunk that I am ready to pass out. The three of us are giggling. Angus, who is at least as drunk as I am, puts his arm around me and lightly kisses my neck. His hand is gliding up and down my back, then resting on my hip. He whispers in my ear,

Do you have any idea how much I love you? Do you?

I kiss his neck and ear and whisper back to him.

Probably not as much as I love you.

He sighs.

I wish I could show you.

I giggle.

I wish you could too. It sucks that everything has to be so... compartmentalized.

He brushes his hands through my hair and we lay there holding each other.

A few minutes later I realize that Laurie is no longer on the couch, that she has in fact left the room. I get up and stumble across the floor towards the light switch.

Sheeesus. I wonder where Laurie went.

I am slurring. Angus sits up on the couch and I plop down on the floor. Angus plays with a thread on his shirt. He stares down at it.

Laurie is really really beautiful, huh?

I nod.

Yeah, she is really beautiful. You guys should go out.

Angus laughs.

That�s not a bad idea. Then you and John and me and Laurie can double date.

This strikes us both as being pretty hilarious. I laugh so hard my stomach hurts. When I calm down I say,

Seriously though. You should ask her out.

Seriously though. I will.

We fall into silence.

I stand up.

I�m going to look for Laurie.

I leave the room and weave down the hall towards the women�s bathroom. I can hear Laurie crying.

Why the hell is she crying, I wonder. And then it occurs to me that she is probably crying because I am a horrible attention grubbing asshole.

Laurie... are you ok?

No.

Silence.

I�m really sorry...

Laurie comes out of the bathroom stall, her hair messed and her eyes puffy.

I�m just thinking about all the things that we said tonight and I don�t understand how you could say all those things and then make out with the guy you�re trying to set me up with while your boyfriend, who�s like one of my closest friends sleeps two feet away.

My mouth drops.

I am so sorry... it�s really not like that at all. I... I am so drunk right now. And we weren�t really making out...

Well, it sure seemed like you were.

I feel so awful right now that I can hardly stand. I am a terrible, terrible person. The thing is, Laurie is wrong but she is also right. What she actually thinks happened didn�t happen, but in a sense it might as well have.

Laurie, I am so so sorry. I hope that you... Angus really and truly does like you. We just spent like 10 minutes talking about you. Really. Nothing happened. I feel terrible.

Laurie looks at me incredulously. I feel about three inches tall. And I am so drunk that if I am not able to get back to the room within the next minute or so, I will pass out on the bathroom floor. As it is, I am clutching the top of a stall door to steady myself.

I walk towards Laurie and put my hand on her shoulder.

I hope you know how much I care for you and it would make me so so sad to know that I fucked things up.

Laurie still looks uncertain so I continue.

Nothing happened between Angus and I but I know it might have looked like something was and I know that I was... I was selfish. And I�m just really really drunk.

Laurie nods.

I understand. It takes a lot for me to end a friendship with somebody.

But I know that everything isn�t ok. And I know that it�s all my fault.

We go back to the dorm room and Laurie sleeps on the couch next to Angus.

I lay on the bed beside John and clutch him like a teddy bear. I wake up at several points throughout the night. Each time I do, I look over at the couch. Each time, there is a foot of space between Laurie and Angus. They are as far away from each other as is possible without one of them rolling off the bed.

I know that I have irretrievably screwed up the possibility of Angus and Laurie ever getting together.

And I cry because.

Because.

You see.

The reason I am crying is I realize.

I realize that this is exactly what I wanted.

Stay tuned for part the Twenty-Second...

Hey Kids, if my neurosis intrigues you, why not read the whole saga from the beginning. Click HERE

NOTE TO SELF: Next time you get drunk, please don't leave goopy embarassing messages in other diarylanders' guestbooks. If you think to yerself, "gee, this message may sound sappy and slightly psychotic later on when I am sober", that's probably a cue to not leave said message. Forgotten what I'm referring to? Click HERE for an example. When in doubt, DON"T DO IT!!!! Ugh. I feel like such a fucking moron.