February 19, 2002 | 6:06 PM

Ugh. Reading that entry I wrote earliet today over again, I realize what a horrible horrible HORRIBLE selfish person I can be. And it really gets a lot more ambiguous for me as the saga continues. I fuck up so royally, and it�s very painful to go back and examine myself honestly. I am trying as hard as I can to not cast myself as �the victim� or �the hero�, but rather attempt to tell the story from my point of view and do justice to how I experienced things as they occurred. And in so doing, I realize that I can be such a fucking self-pitying brat.

Many of you who liked me and stuck up for me in the earlier entries may really despise me as things go on because I really fuck up and make a lot of selfish mistakes. A lot of other shit happens that isn�t my fault at all, but as I said, there�s a great deal of moral ambiguity.

I just read over the whole saga and I can�t believe that this has been my life so far. When I was 18 and left home for college, I thought I was leaving the worst of it�the dead dad, the abusive step-dad, the obsessive critical Mom�and that I would go on to some sense of normalcy. Instead, it�s like I dove down this postmodern rabbit hole into complete and utter craziness. Believe me�I know that many many other people�s experiences have been worse than what I went through, but when I look back at my life from the age of 18, it has been nothing but crisis after crisis�some of which were my fault and many of which weren�t. All I have ever wanted is a sense of stability�and every time I think I find it and sort of trust that things will be ok, some fucking whacked out tragedy happens. It�s as though I can�t ever relax.

I apologize for this shoddy blubbering. I don�t know what�s wrong with me today. It just hurt so much for some reason to write that last entry and I am so full of self loathing right now. I just want to go drink a bottle of vodka and hide under the covers. Thinking about hurting other people makes my stomach turn. I am the queen of fucking up relationships and hurting people who try to help me. It is my specialty.

As I get closer to the recent past in the saga, it becomes more and more painful to write. It�s like I was somehow able to steel myself against the craziness that happened towards the beginning, but I fucked up and let my guard down thinking everything would be ok and then I really really get slammed. Things get a whole fucking hell of a lot worse before they get better. Oh well. I have to deal with all this fucking shit at some point. I guess this is my version of primal scream therapy.